Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

An Alcoholic Fiance

Dear Ms. Miller,
My father was an alcoholic and my soon to be husband has a drinking problem. I love him very much but I can't stand to be around him when he drinks so much. I feel like he had no sense of responsibility when he drinks and often he blacks out. Most of the time, while he is drinking, he says and does several things that really hurt me however the next day he doesn't remember. Also, he tends to drive while intoxicated which scares me for obvious reasons. Honestly, I am exhausted dealing with this same situation and nothing changes. We have the same talk and nothing ever changes and I continue to feel disappointed and that maybe it is me? I understand that my father's disease may have an effect on my sensitivity, but it hurts more every time we have an episode. He is also a child of an alcoholic which stills drinks till this day. I feel that maybe he will never change or that maybe I need to change. I feel that I have tried so many different approaches. Thank your for listening to me. Often I feel like I have no one to talk or I am embarrassed to talk.

Bridget


Hi Bridget,
I'm not sure what you're asking here, but I did catch you questioning how you think it may be your fault for your future husband's drinking problem. Well, I am here to tell you that that is absolutely not the case, and I am wondering why you are considering marrying this man. He sounds very classically alcoholic himself though you and he may refer to it as a 'drinking problem.' Having blackouts, not taking responsibility for one's actions, driving while intoxicated and hurting others are key signs that a person is well on the path of alcoholism and needs major intervention.

The reality of the situation with this man is that he is very sick and needs some serious help. He also is not going to get that help as long as he doesn't see the need for it and is in denial about his problem. It can be very frustrating trying to coax someone into getting help if he believes he doesn't need it. You said you love him, but if you follow through and marry him you need to go into this marriage with your eyes wide open and ready to accept him 'as is' including the alcoholism and all the behaviors and hurtful things that go along with that. He's shown you who he is with the alcohol in his life, and it would be very unwise and foolish for you to suddenly expect things to 'magically change' just because you get married and believe he'll have a change of heart.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself and learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism with a focus on codependency issues. If you get to thinking healthier and clearer you will have positive effects on your relationship and will be taking responsibility for your own life. I strongly recommend attending Al-Anon, ACoA and any other support groups you can find in your area. He should be expected to do the same for himself with AA and other groups at a minimum, or to even enter a de-tox program. If he isn't willing to make such necessary changes you both would be wise to seriously reconsider the marriage issue. I hope things work out for you Bridget and that you do the right thing to protect yourself.

Warmly,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Divorce And Dealing With Adult Children

Dear Grace,
I have been divorced for 2yrs and been engaged to someone for 6 months now. My youngest son is 19 and will have NOTHING to do with my fiance. He will not come over or speak to her in anyway. I want to still see him, and I do see him for lunch and a movie occasionally. I feel this is disrespectful to my fiance. She has said or done nothing wrong to him. They have never had a conversation, and he made a comment that he would not come to the wedding. My question- What do I do? Do I stop seeing my son unless he at least comes over to pick me up and at least speaks to her? I feel this is just common courtesy. This may take years though. Do I abandon my son? He is very, very stubborn. He is in college, but with his mom when he comes home for break.

Thank you so very much for your help,
Mike


Dear Mike,
First, of course you do not have to abandon your son, and the situation shouldn't be a matter of you having to choose between him and your fiance. He was your son long before anything had happened between you and your wife that caused the break-up of your family, and he always will be. I hope your fiance is a mature enough person to realize this and to give you and your son the time and space you need to heal and process what's happened in your family. The short and direct answer is that our children are always ours no matter what happens in life. But, unfortunately we all have to live the consequences of our choices whether pleasant or painful at times.

Though you didn't include too much information with your question, it sounds to me like your son may be acting offensively out of unresolved personal feelings and family conflicts. It sounds like he is dealing with some residual pain and anger as a result of you and his mother splitting up. This is fairly common even for adult children as divorce has far reaching consequences for many family members. And, some people deal with it much better then others. The reality is that it likely has been a very hard thing for your son to accept and deal with.

The best thing you can do now is maintain a relationship and contact with your son in a manner that is workable to both of you. If an occasional lunch or movie works and is acceptable to you both, then that's okay. I also think you should be able to share your feelings honestly with him about how hurt you are and try to build on that in a positive way. It may take time for him to come around and warm up to your fiance like you said, but for him to have a genuine change of heart it has to come from him. When he's ready he will come around. It sounds like he needs his space and if you try to force something on him that he can't or won't do right now will likely only backfire for you. Overall, the important thing to keep in mind is that you are still seen as 'the parent' in your relationship with your son and need to act in a way that will model care, concern and respect, while sharing your feelings and thoughts so your relationship will remain genuine with him. Give him some time and space, and whatever you do don't stop loving him and being there for him. I wish you all the best for a peaceful outcome Mike, and for your family to truly heal from the pain of family discord and divorce.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Hope For Batterers' Through Online Treatment

Dear Grace,
Can you provide online or phone therapy for domestic violence? I am looking for batterers' specific treatment and am not court ordered.

Thanks,
Michael


Hello Michael,
First off, I commend you for writing in about this issue and being so honest. Even with all the information we have given it as a society over the past several decades, domestic violence remains a common struggle for many individuals and couples. Many people don't seek help due to deep feelings of shame, guilt and fear, though keeping oneself isolated isn't the answer because historically domestic violence escalates over time if untreated.

Online therapy is certainly one mode of treatment that you can choose. Deciding on a counseling venue is a personal decision that only you can make. Traditional batterers' therapy consists of both individual therapy in conjunction with group based accountability therapy. The individual component of the treatment involves being able to focus solely on yourself in one-on-one therapy, as to uncover and deal with why and how your abusive behaviors manifest themselves. This helps to be able to work towards any personal healing that may be needed and on changing those behaviors. The group aspect affords the opportunity to bond and connect with others who are facing similar issues and struggles, and also gives a mechanism for individual accountability within the context of treatment. Without one or the other component, any treatment you decide on would likely have less of an impact.

The real issue at hand Michael is to seek out that therapy you need and to make the commitment to follow through with it. Online counseling can work well for the individual component of the therapy. It can give you the chance to fully explore the deeper issues and struggles going on inside so you can gain personal understanding to make the necessary changes you need to stop those abusive behaviors you struggle with. You could also work on ways you can incorporate some type of group component or other viable alternative into your treatment so you can get the best of what that offers too. For instance, this could be done through a local support group, a pastoral relationship, a men's accountability group, etc. Whatever you decide Michael, I wish you and your family the best, and if you'd like to work together on the issue further just contact me again and we'll tackle it together!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Finding A Marriage Counselor

Dear Ms. Miller,
I need your help. I have been in an 8 year marriage. We have a 3 year-old and a 2 year-old, and I am a stay at home mom. My husband is a firefighter. I guess I am just completely lost right now. I have been looking to go to counselors, but cannot find one that will meet our needs. We are on the verge of a separation, just teetering from day to day. My husband does not want to go and has never said anything about his feelings to me let alone to a therapist. So I told him this was either going to make it or not, but that he had to go. Do you have any suggestions as to how to find someone in our area or what to look for? Could a possible phone consult with someone from your staff be made, and if so is a phone consult something an insurance usually pays?
Desperate,
Lisa


Hello Lisa,
My heart goes out to you. And, you probably know by now that if your husband does not want to go to counseling you can't force him. He has to come to his own decisions about that. What you can do is nudge him along and let him know that it's a very serious issue to you and it sounds like you have. I hope that your stance proves to be fruitful for the good of your family!

You said you can't find a counselor that meets your needs, but didn't say what those needs were. Maybe a closer inspection of what you’re looking for would be helpful. It may help you to make a list of the things you need or would like to have in a marriage counselor, and then to prioritize and 'rate' those things as well from the most important attributes to the least. Some key things to look for are professional credentials, location and availability, sincerity, experience, approachability, balance in connecting to both parties and relating to the tough issues that couples face today. And you may need to be prepared to be flexible on some issues. For instance, let's say you find a very good therapist but that individual is a bit further of a drive for you then originally planned. Would that be worth it to you to work with someone that you both approved of? Would it make the counseling process easier and more acceptable to your husband? It's important to have considerations in finding a good therapist, but it's equally important to be flexible with less important details sometimes to help facilitate the process and get things started.

As for finding a good therapist, I think one of the best ways to do so is through personal recommendations of others whether that be through friends, family, your church, your pastor, etc. A lot of couples seek counseling and you might be surprised at the resources others can offer. You could also check with your insurance company and see which providers are covered under your insurance policy. Another good resource is 1-800-NEW-LIFE, which offers a nationwide Christian treatment referral service and has listings of good, qualified counselors in most areas. A phone consult in relation to processing your marital issues is certainly something that Grace Tree can provide, and some couples preliminarily use e-counseling by phone, chat or e-mail as a pre-counseling step to getting into traditional face-to-face therapy. Some individuals are intimidated or afraid of the idea of going for counseling and e-counseling offers a positive solution to bridge that gap. As for insurance coverage information, you would have to check with your insurance carrier as all insurance companies handle that differently. I wish you all the best Lisa and you're in my prayers. Please contact me again if I can be of any further service.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Counseling Considerations

Ms. Miller,
Mine is not a comment, but rather a question. In your Internet counseling how do you deal with issues of confidentiality, licensure and competence? Do you ever deal with crisis issues?
Christine


Hello Christine,
You asked some very good questions about online counseling and I'll tackle each issue one at a time. First, confidentiality of online clients is maintained just as it would be in a traditional office setting. There, files are kept locked in a filing cabinet and no one has access to them except the treatment team and agency administration for billing purposes. When a client orders e-counseling services at Grace Tree the information included on the Secure Order form is protected by the latest security protocols and cannot be accessed by anyone outside of Grace Tree. The information cannot be intercepted in cyberspace and it isn't stored anywhere out in cyberspace. All safety measures are taken to prevent this and the information comes directly to Grace Tree's server and is stored there. You can tell if a website's order form is secure by checking for the little security logo on the order form's page. This logo tells you that the company processing the order has all safety measures in place. Additionally, our company servers are highly secure, protected by firewalls and encryption codes, and more.

Also, when someone purchases e-mail counseling services they are assigned their own personal secure e-mail account that is accessed right off that company-protected server. They receive their own unique logon ID and password so no one else can access that account. For example, if you set up an e-mail account with Yahoo any mail you get is stored on shared servers and you don't really know who has access to your e-mail or other information. At Grace Tree I am the only individual who has access to clients accounts and information. And, all data is maintained electronically in this fashion and password protected. The security process for this is the highest that is currently available!

You also asked about licensure. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland, USA. Potential clients can always verify my credentials through the official Maryland State licensing board via a link right on my website. Though I am only licensed in Maryland State, I work with clients around the country and even outside the USA. It is always their choice to contract for services with me. There is much movement among social workers and other mental health professionals to relax or collapse state licensing regulations in an effort to provide some type of national licensing for professionals. Licensing procedures and requirements are very similar in all 50 states and many professionals argue that the time for this is long overdue, especially given the nature and fluidity of services that the Internet and related communications offer people. Many other developed countries do not have regional licensing and offer basic national licensing to their professionals. And e-counseling by telephone has been around for years and years, and has been proven to be one of the best modes of personal counsel for many. Interestingly, it was resisted early on until the success of crisis lines and other venues became very apparent in the mental health field.

As far as dealing with competence, I am very honest with potential clients and all my areas of specialty are listed right on my website. Clients usually know well in advance if I can help them or not by browsing the site. Sometimes I do field e-mail inquiries from people who ask if I can help them. If I feel I cannot help a client with their issues I let them know as soon as it becomes apparent and make recommendations for other services that I think would be more helpful to them. I do sometimes handle e-mails that are crisis oriented, but they are very few. I also think the term 'crisis' can be defined differently by people. As a professional, an example of a pressing crisis such as someone who is actively suicidal would not be something that could be handled well through online counseling. That individual would be encouraged to seek local help right away. However, if someone was faced with making a big decision in life and considered it 'a crisis point' in his/her life, I could help with processing those thoughts and feelings aid the decision making process for that person. In sum, I relate personally to each potential client and work with him/her on deciding if online counseling services are something they may benefit from. It's always up to the individual and I encourage all my clients to communicate the helpfulness of services as we go along. I think issues of competence are very relevant, for both online and traditional face-to-face counseling methods.

I hope this has helped answer some of your concerns Christine. I am a very sincere professional and competent in my areas of expertise. And, I am pleased to say that my clients agree as well.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C