Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

Indulging A Mate's Whims

Dear Ms. Miller,
I have been in a relationship for thirteen years. We started a construction company together and lived and worked together for 12 years. Since the beginning of the relationship he has pressured me to wear more makeup, dress sexier, have uncomfortably long nails, and bleach my hair. I am a very conservative person by nature and not at all an exhibitionist. I am a professional with a degree in business. Last year the company filed bankruptcy and I finally decided to leave. I even went so far as to move my things into storage and went to stay with my mother. After 8 months apart, I communicated with my mate and told him I needed to come to the area to meet with the attorneys. I asked if I could stay at the house. He responded that he wanted to get back together. My uncertainty about everything during this time led me to agree to try it. He emailed me a "wish list", hair, nails, makeup, keeping a cigarette in my hand at all times (smoking fetish). I stupidly agreed, packed up and went home. For 6 months I catered to all his fantasies and he was blissfully happy, but always wanting more. He has indicated on several occasions that a person should be willing to change anything about them to please their partner. He even tried to persuade me to try the swinger's lifestyle. I finally broke and said no again, no more. We had a blow out about three weeks ago which culminated in his calling me a whore, amongst other things. Now he is very apologetic and has said he will not pressure me anymore, but I have heard this before. I am very confused because I have not been able to discuss this with anyone. Any feedback is appreciated. By the way, he can be a great guy and was always a good working buddy.

Kathy


Hello Kathy,
It sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to spend more time in a relationship pretending to be someone you are not, instead of being who God intended you to be and really living life to the full. Being in a relationship where you are not loved and valued for who you authentically are inside is emotionally painful itself. Your boyfriends additional quirky demands add even more layers on top of that that would be too lengthy to go into in this forum. You have already spent many good years of your life in this relationship not being happy. If you went back again you would just be adding more years of unhappiness from what I can discern. You may want to work on looking deep inside and answering some key questions about why you are drawn to this type of relationship that prevents you from feeling good about yourself. It sounds like you could benefit from some real soul-searching to help with your decision.

Also, a man can be a good person and a great "working buddy" and have his share of admirable traits. But, if you are unhappy with a mate and not compatible then you simply are not. You have a weighty decision to make. If you stay with this man again, you need to realize that you have to accept him just as he is for who he is, "warts and all" so to speak and with the demands that he makes. He isn't going to just change. The situation is even more complicated by the history you share with him and appeasing his fantasies and fetishes. You have an established a pattern with him and he is used to you becoming who he wants you to be for him, a false and made-up person, and not the Kathy you truly are. He has even tried to take things to the next level and asked you to indulge in infidelity, a very dangerous and risky behavior to say the least of that idea. If you want significant change in the relationship the only way you might break the cycle is by getting help together. But he has to be open and fully committed to that as well. If he has not made any real efforts beyond giving it lip service, chances are he is not serious.

Lastly, having the attitude that a person who loves someone will "do anything" to please their partner is just all wrong. That is a very conniving assertion and boundary less statement to inflict on another individual. It is frequently used by people who want to manipulate and falsely guilt others into getting what they want. That statement has more to do with his selfish desires than love, period. A person who truly loves another will love and accept a woman for the beautiful helpmate God intended her to be and not attempt to change her into some fantasy-fetish image, or a non-person, and use her. I am afraid that it is your boyfriend who is at error here. I wish you all the best Kathy in finding the love you want and deserve. You sound like a lovely woman and I hope I've been helpful. And as the saying goes, there are many fish in the sea so you don't have to settle for someone who fancies themselves as a "shark" if you'd prefer to hang out with dolphins!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Infidelity

Hello Ms. Miller,
I am a stay at home mother of 3 boys ages 8,2, and 6 months. My oldest has Tourette's syndrome and ADHD. He is at the mild end of TS thankfully. I find myself being rather harder on my oldest, not understanding why. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so sad and depressed about my problems with my marriage that I almost take it out on him.

My marriage is not the best right now. I have been married for 4 years to a great man who will give me the world. The problem is him and his actions. He has this fantasy with other women. He "looks" for them online and just chats with them, at times rather sexually. I used to be able to read all the emails and chats he had but now he denies this to me. I know he is cheating on me. This isn't the first time we have had this problem. I found evidence that he did this to his ex-wife too (unfortunately for her, she had no idea). I say cheating b/c as far as I am concerned, it is cheating even if it is just online. I have asked and asked to let me see his "secret" email account but he either ignores me or gets mad at me. We can't even have a real conversation anymore without getting into an argument. I have begged to go to marriage counseling but he uses the excuse that b/c he is in the military, the counselors will have to tell his command. I know this isn't true but he won't meet me half way. I really love him, I believe in our marriage and making it work. I am just so sad and I am finding myself rather more depressed as time goes on. The only thing that motivates me everyday is the fact that I am a mother and my kids need me to function normally for them everyday.

I do not know what to do or where to start. I am not a fan of medicating unless it is the last resort. Please help-
Ashley


Dear Ashley,
First, I commend you for writing in and seeking some advice. You're dealing with a very painful situation, and sadly one that is not unique to you. There are many men and women in your situation who are trying to navigate the waters of online infidelity. I agree with you that infidelity is infidelity, whether it's online or in real life. The feelings, attitudes and even the extent of the involvement can be the same, as well as the consequences for the marriage it affects. And I certainly understand your concern in your husband's sudden lack of allowing you to read his secret e-mail account. In fact, I am surprised that he had allowed you access to them before. He may have only allowed you access to what he wanted you to see. I think that your 'trust radar' is right on target and that you have very reason to be vigilant and deeply concerned.

Since this isn't the first time that you've had to deal with this, what you need to do is make a decision as to what you're going to do about it, if anything. You can't do anything about his behaviors, but you can learn to set boundaries and limits as to what you will and will not accept in your relationship. You're the only one who can act on your behalf there. It appears that his having done this in the past with no real consequences has reinforced the idea that he can continue to do as he wants to without regard to your feelings or how it negatively affects you. The only way he is likely to change is if you change 'the system' that your marriage is operating under, and it's going to take courage and strength on your part to effect some changes into the marital relationship. Even if you do so, there is no guarantee that he'll agree to things. It's going to depend on how much he values your marriage and is willing to change.

Given what you said about confronting the issue before it sounds as if it's not going to be an easy road or a quick-fix. You said that you want to make the marriage work, but you can't do it alone Ashley. It takes two committed people giving 100% to forge a strong, loving marriage. He has to want that as well. I also agree that medicating your depression by itself is not the answer. As long as the root problem of the marital infidelity is not dealt with your depression and sadness is not likely to get any better. Though medication might help you cope with things in the short run, you'd just be medicating a symptom instead of working on the cause. You both need some real professional help in the matter and I really encourage you to keep pushing for marriage counseling to help you two get a handle on the issue and sort things out. It sounds like your husband would also benefit from some individual counseling if he'd agree to that. But again, that is up to him. I wish you two the best for the future and you're in my prayers.

Regards,
Carole L, Miller, LCSW-C

Helping Children - Hidden Motives?

Dear Grace Tree,
I'm a male teenager in my last year of high school. Recently I have been helping out at an extra-curricular activity involving helping students with English and math for kids from grades 1 - 11. I seem to be really interested in some of the younger boys, around age 12 or 13. However, this interest is not sexual at all, but I just have the need to know more about them and help them. I am struggling with my sexuality, but I'm not sure this is related. What do you think?
Thank you for your time,
Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing in with your concern. I am not sure what this really means for you either. Your inquiry is rather short and really doesn't provide any detailed information. I can tell you that as people mature it isn't unusual for them to develop fondness or "big-brother" type feelings toward younger children of a certain age. Often times this can stem from an individual himself encountering problems at that age, or from not having his needs met at that time in his life, so he feels that he wants to help other kids out to effect change in their lives. The desire to help other children at that age usually manifests itself in a genuine mentoring and care-taking attitude towards those younger children, a desire to help and not harm.

To be fair to you inquiry though, you did state that you were struggling with your own sexuality and questioned if it could be related. I don't have the answer to that, but you do. Somewhere within you lies the answer and I think you owe it to yourself and the children you are helping to make sure that you don't cross any lines into any inappropriate conversation or behaviors with these boys that will harm them and take you down a road you don't want to go for a multitude of reasons, period. There should be no negotiating with yourself on that. While I could offer further suggestions, I think the best thing you can do is to get some wise counsel in the matter and confer with someone who can help you process your thoughts and feelings. This could be with a professional counselor, a clergy member or some other trusted adult. Some deeper digging is needed Anonymous, and I hope that you are able to commit to the process. If I can be of any further help please contact me again.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Counseling Considerations

Ms. Miller,
Mine is not a comment, but rather a question. In your Internet counseling how do you deal with issues of confidentiality, licensure and competence? Do you ever deal with crisis issues?
Christine


Hello Christine,
You asked some very good questions about online counseling and I'll tackle each issue one at a time. First, confidentiality of online clients is maintained just as it would be in a traditional office setting. There, files are kept locked in a filing cabinet and no one has access to them except the treatment team and agency administration for billing purposes. When a client orders e-counseling services at Grace Tree the information included on the Secure Order form is protected by the latest security protocols and cannot be accessed by anyone outside of Grace Tree. The information cannot be intercepted in cyberspace and it isn't stored anywhere out in cyberspace. All safety measures are taken to prevent this and the information comes directly to Grace Tree's server and is stored there. You can tell if a website's order form is secure by checking for the little security logo on the order form's page. This logo tells you that the company processing the order has all safety measures in place. Additionally, our company servers are highly secure, protected by firewalls and encryption codes, and more.

Also, when someone purchases e-mail counseling services they are assigned their own personal secure e-mail account that is accessed right off that company-protected server. They receive their own unique logon ID and password so no one else can access that account. For example, if you set up an e-mail account with Yahoo any mail you get is stored on shared servers and you don't really know who has access to your e-mail or other information. At Grace Tree I am the only individual who has access to clients accounts and information. And, all data is maintained electronically in this fashion and password protected. The security process for this is the highest that is currently available!

You also asked about licensure. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland, USA. Potential clients can always verify my credentials through the official Maryland State licensing board via a link right on my website. Though I am only licensed in Maryland State, I work with clients around the country and even outside the USA. It is always their choice to contract for services with me. There is much movement among social workers and other mental health professionals to relax or collapse state licensing regulations in an effort to provide some type of national licensing for professionals. Licensing procedures and requirements are very similar in all 50 states and many professionals argue that the time for this is long overdue, especially given the nature and fluidity of services that the Internet and related communications offer people. Many other developed countries do not have regional licensing and offer basic national licensing to their professionals. And e-counseling by telephone has been around for years and years, and has been proven to be one of the best modes of personal counsel for many. Interestingly, it was resisted early on until the success of crisis lines and other venues became very apparent in the mental health field.

As far as dealing with competence, I am very honest with potential clients and all my areas of specialty are listed right on my website. Clients usually know well in advance if I can help them or not by browsing the site. Sometimes I do field e-mail inquiries from people who ask if I can help them. If I feel I cannot help a client with their issues I let them know as soon as it becomes apparent and make recommendations for other services that I think would be more helpful to them. I do sometimes handle e-mails that are crisis oriented, but they are very few. I also think the term 'crisis' can be defined differently by people. As a professional, an example of a pressing crisis such as someone who is actively suicidal would not be something that could be handled well through online counseling. That individual would be encouraged to seek local help right away. However, if someone was faced with making a big decision in life and considered it 'a crisis point' in his/her life, I could help with processing those thoughts and feelings aid the decision making process for that person. In sum, I relate personally to each potential client and work with him/her on deciding if online counseling services are something they may benefit from. It's always up to the individual and I encourage all my clients to communicate the helpfulness of services as we go along. I think issues of competence are very relevant, for both online and traditional face-to-face counseling methods.

I hope this has helped answer some of your concerns Christine. I am a very sincere professional and competent in my areas of expertise. And, I am pleased to say that my clients agree as well.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Lessons From Noah's Ark

Hello Readers,
Here is a cute little tidbit of wisdom that was sent to me recently by a good friend so I thought I'd share it with all. I think it cleverly outlines the very important little things to pay attention to and keep in our hearts during life's journey with all its blessings and trials. It's so easy to get bogged down and lost at times, and sometimes we just need to be reminded where a healthy focus lies. There's an emphasis here on both individuality and comunity which I especially like because we all need each other no matter what we may be dealing with personally. And working together is the best way to enjoy life to the full as God is intended for all of us. Enjoy!


"Evereything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark"

1) Don't miss the boat!
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead- It wasn't raining when Noah built the boat.
4) Stay fit- When you're sixty someone may ask you to do something really big!
5) Don't listen to critics- Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage- The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed just float awhile!
10) Remember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter what the storm, when you're with God there's always a rainbow waiting!

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Romans Revised For Recovery!

Here's a special holiday message of hope for all my readers who struggle with addiction, codependency and other issues whether its food, alcohol, sex, pornography, work, drugs, religion, cigarettes, people-pleasing, approval seeking, perfectionism, obesessing, depression, anxiety, victimization, childhood pains, deep grief, an empty heart and more. You know, whatever we're recovering from we all fall short at times in our efforts to maintain sobriety or change our old attitudes and habits, but God will always be there for us no matter what. If we pick ourselves up after each fall and 'keep on keeping on', he is ever faithful! In the book of Romans, Paul understood this so clearly and came to rely solely on God's grace for his sustenance, and two millenium later we too have learned to believe in a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. In this New Year remember to rely on his loving kindness and mercy, for it is sufficient for ALL of us! Have a Happy New Year and spend some time reflecting on God's goodness and unbelievable forgiveness by considering his amazing grace and unconditional love!

Much Love,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C


Struggling to Recover!

"God’s design is good then. The trouble is not with his desire for me, but with me, because I am sold into slavery with my old ways, my old attitudes, beliefs and behaviors as my master. Sometimes I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to what is right, what is good, new and healthy, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I am trying to recover from! I know perfectly well that what I am doing is harmful to myself and others, and my renewed mind shows that I agree that God’s design for my life is so very good. But I can’t help myself, because it is my old ways inside, those old tapes that play and knee-jerk reactions which make me perpetuate these unhealthy ways.

I know I am sick, through and through, so far as my old dysfunctional nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself change! I want to change, but I can’t. When I want to step out in faith and do things differently, as God would have me do them, I don’t. And when I try not to do the same old thing, I do it anyway. But, if I am doing what I don’t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it, the old me within is doing it, not the "recovered me."

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is healthy and right, I inevitably do what is not, the same old-same old. I love God’s ways with all my heart. But there is another way at work within me that is at war with my desire to change and to grow into his likeness. These ways usually win the fight, and make me a slave to the old ways still at work within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by my old habits and is dying? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So, you see how it is: In my mind I really want to trust and embrace God’s heart, truly he desires my recovery. I so want to break free! But, because of my damaged nature I am often a slave to those same old ways within."

Romans Revised For Recovery - Romans 7:14-25

Marriage Vows- Looking Through God's Eyes

Dear Ms. Miller,
My girlfriend and I have been dating since last November. We were both recently separated from our spouses. We said in the beginning that it was important to save ourselves for marriage. We did however progress in our intimacy and one evening she asked about making love. At that point I kind of pulled back and we went to another room to talk. We talked and we prayed and asked for guidance. Several days later we talked and felt as though we were meant for each other and we made a commitment to one another to spend the rest of our lives together and that it would not be wrong in God's eyes for us to come together completely as one. The problem now is that after 10 months of being together and making decisions together and functioning as one unit, she now feels that pre-marital sex is wrong. My feeling is that we made a commitment before God and that commitment created our marriage. Is it possible to have a spiritual marriage without having a legal marriage? Have we been wrong all this time? I just don't know what to do now because it feels like she won't make any commitment to me. I had never felt so close and so right with anyone in my life. Our decision to make love was not one made lightly and I felt it as an oath to devote our lives to one another, it was not just an act of lust. It was honestly the most beautiful thing I ever experienced. Is there any help you can give me to show me that it takes more that a man, a woman, and God to create a marriage. Does there have to be a public ceremony? Am I way off base here? Early in our relationship she used to say "we are in this world, not of this world." That made so much sense to me. Now it has all seemed to change, and I am scared that we may not make it. I don't know how to live without her. Any help that you can provide that may save us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
-James


Dear James,
You ask some very good questions, and some very controversial ones, that aren’t new by any means! People and cultures have been dealing with the concept of life-long unions for many centuries, and have come to differing conclusions, some of which seem to cycle back in and out of history. While my answer certainly isn’t going to please everyone, I’ll do my best to describe and define God’s perspective on the whole matter since you are obviously asking your questions from a spiritual standpoint.

In trying to understand God’s view on the matter one must carefully consider his holy character and precepts. His holiness refers to his unerring nature or his total purity and righteousness, in that he can never do anything wrong (sin). He does what he says, and his word is always his bond. Therefore, he cannot break his word. Though he has no written contract with us he has given us his word, a holy oath, and if we claim to follow him he in turn asks that we emulate him and make our word as good as his. As stated in Matthew 5:33-37 he says, “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’ But I tell you, do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’, anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Just as the people of his time sought wiggle room to break laws not sworn to God, Jesus reminds us that any time we make an oath, or a ‘vow’, we are bound by God’s laws whether swearing by heaven or earth, and about any matter, witnessed or not. Any time we make a vow it is a spiritually binding act. God’s precepts refer to his laws, laws for dealing with the world around us, with others and our own behaviors, attitudes and feelings. He’s given us his precepts to operate by because he realizes we are so prone to making up our own as we go along! Therefore, many of our own socio-cultural laws originate from God’s own prescribed biblical-Mosaic laws from God himself so there could be no doubt as to how he wanted things to be. Biblically there is no prescribed physical marriage act or law other then a sacred promise between three- man, woman and God, which could not be broken without just cause (death, adultery, etc.)

So, in God’s eyes, whether there is a ‘spiritual marriage’ with a promise or commitment, or a cultural civil ceremony with a piece of signed paper, it is one in the same. However, throughout history man has chosen to define the spiritual commitment with the civil act by emulating solemn ceremonies witnessed by others out of necessity for many reasons, chief among them being that man is deceitful and will want to break a vow! A ceremony of ‘wedding vows’ and a signed marriage decree witnessed by others is actually a version of the ancient traditional marriage contract. In some countries and states today common law marriage, a marriage without a ceremony or signed contract, is accepted solely by consent and behavior of the couple involved without ceremony or any type of registration.

As for your girlfriend, perhaps she’s anxious and having second thoughts about your spiritual vows to each other having any deep meaning, and has decided that she desires a ceremonial commitment before others before partaking in the intimate sexual benefits of a life-long commitment. Promising to love and to cherish another person before others creates that traditional contract and often a deeper sense of security about such an important commitment between two people. It also protects both parties involved both legally and civilly. I hope this has helped some James and I hope that you and your girlfriend will be able to work things out in a way that honors both God and both of your individual needs and desires. May God bless your final decision!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Sexual Conflicts & Fears

Hi Ms. Miller,
I am currently in a ten year relationship with a man who is reluctant to get married or even make a commitment. I fear that I may be a lesbian, and I am uncertain how to explore my sexuality and still maintain my relationship of ten years. I am struggling with my sexuality and am unsure how to investigate my urges without interfering with my relationship. What can I do?

Thanks,
Jordan


Hi Jordan,
You didn?t give very many specifics, so I suppose I will just have to speak in general terms about your situation. I don?t know when you started feeling conflicted sexually, but perhaps it?s all somehow tied to this man?s attitude and lack of concern for your feelings and desires for your relationship with him to progress to a more committed level. I am wondering why this is coming up after 10 years of being with him, as you most likely would have experienced conflicted feelings about being with him emotionally and sexually earlier on in the relationship if you were indeed a lesbian. Most gay individuals report that they developed an attraction for same sex partners early on in life, that is was something they ?just knew.?

If you truly want to explore your sexuality issues in a manner that won?t affect your relationship, I encourage you to do so with a caring professional counselor. This would be the safest way to go about discovering more about yourself as opposed to jumping out into the world with your sexual struggles and perhaps doing something harmful to yourself or the relationship. This would allow you time to fully process your feelings, thoughts and fears in a safe and confidential environment and eventually make a decision that?s best for you. You could also examine your situation in regards to your relationship with this man, about how you feel about being with him for 10 years with no commitment and your willingness to continue on in the relationship as it is. It doesn?t sound like things are going to change with him?10 years is along time.

It sounds like you have a lot to consider right now Jordan. I wish you the best and I hope that you seek the help you need to sort things out. If I can be of any assistance feel free to contact me again.

Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C