Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

Divorce And Dealing With Adult Children

Dear Grace,
I have been divorced for 2yrs and been engaged to someone for 6 months now. My youngest son is 19 and will have NOTHING to do with my fiance. He will not come over or speak to her in anyway. I want to still see him, and I do see him for lunch and a movie occasionally. I feel this is disrespectful to my fiance. She has said or done nothing wrong to him. They have never had a conversation, and he made a comment that he would not come to the wedding. My question- What do I do? Do I stop seeing my son unless he at least comes over to pick me up and at least speaks to her? I feel this is just common courtesy. This may take years though. Do I abandon my son? He is very, very stubborn. He is in college, but with his mom when he comes home for break.

Thank you so very much for your help,
Mike


Dear Mike,
First, of course you do not have to abandon your son, and the situation shouldn't be a matter of you having to choose between him and your fiance. He was your son long before anything had happened between you and your wife that caused the break-up of your family, and he always will be. I hope your fiance is a mature enough person to realize this and to give you and your son the time and space you need to heal and process what's happened in your family. The short and direct answer is that our children are always ours no matter what happens in life. But, unfortunately we all have to live the consequences of our choices whether pleasant or painful at times.

Though you didn't include too much information with your question, it sounds to me like your son may be acting offensively out of unresolved personal feelings and family conflicts. It sounds like he is dealing with some residual pain and anger as a result of you and his mother splitting up. This is fairly common even for adult children as divorce has far reaching consequences for many family members. And, some people deal with it much better then others. The reality is that it likely has been a very hard thing for your son to accept and deal with.

The best thing you can do now is maintain a relationship and contact with your son in a manner that is workable to both of you. If an occasional lunch or movie works and is acceptable to you both, then that's okay. I also think you should be able to share your feelings honestly with him about how hurt you are and try to build on that in a positive way. It may take time for him to come around and warm up to your fiance like you said, but for him to have a genuine change of heart it has to come from him. When he's ready he will come around. It sounds like he needs his space and if you try to force something on him that he can't or won't do right now will likely only backfire for you. Overall, the important thing to keep in mind is that you are still seen as 'the parent' in your relationship with your son and need to act in a way that will model care, concern and respect, while sharing your feelings and thoughts so your relationship will remain genuine with him. Give him some time and space, and whatever you do don't stop loving him and being there for him. I wish you all the best for a peaceful outcome Mike, and for your family to truly heal from the pain of family discord and divorce.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

How Do I Honor My Mother?

Dear Grace,
Can I ask what it means to honour your mother? I have a mom who is very critically abusive to me and one Christian brother told me that I have to put up with her put-downs because God commanded me to honor her. At what point does it stop? She is beginning to affect my marriage and my emotional well-being. Thank you for any comments or insights you may have!
Denise


Hello Denise,
I am glad you wrote in on this topic, because as Christians honoring our parents is an important aspect of our walk with God. The little child inside all of us wants to love our parents, and even longs to give them respect which they sometimes don't deserve from our perspective. For many people from hurtful family backgrounds, honoring a parent may mean having to do so despite how they are treated in return. Or, it may include the need to not overly focus on aspects of what has happened in one's childhood that has caused emotional, mental and even physical scarring that a parent may be responsible for.

Despite family dysfunction it is good for us to honor our parents for as the Lord says, "Honor thy father and thy mother so that your days may be long in the land that I have given you." This is the first of the Ten Commandments given that contains a promise directly from God for the choice of our actions and responses in that regard. I believe God also knows how deeply hard it is for some of us to carry this out so He often provides comfort, strength and community to help us do so. And, while it's true that God desires for us to honor our parents he does not state or demand that we need to endure further abuse at their hands in doing so. For many adult-children life was painful as a child, and even severe maltreatment and pain were things that had to be accepted and endured to survive. As an adult though, one can safely choose to shield and protect the self from further harm and still honor his/her parents.

Different people choose to honor difficult and abusive parents in different ways. It may be helpful for you to learn to have a suitable relationship with your mother based on healthy, loving boundaries. Learning about healthy, appropriate personal boundaries in family relationships provides a way for everyone in the family to be honored and respected, not just your mother. A good read on this topic is Townsend and Cloud's book "Boundaries." It addresses the many ways that a person can establish safe relational boundaries while honoring their parents and themselves. To some people honoring their mother may mean a need to acknowledge her positive gifts of motherhood in ways that don't allow for further abuse. This may be regular phone conversations or visits with stated limitations where expectations are clear to both parties. For others in extreme cases who opt for no contact it may mean volunteering at a women's shelter, making a donation to a charity involving young unwed mother's, or some other type of ministry activity that includes honoring the spirit of their mother and motherhood in general. In sum, there are different ways that you can honor your mother without subjecting yourself to further abuse and you don't need to feel guilty about it. God commands "honor your mother and father", because most parents do love their children at some level despite their dysfunctions and parenthood is often a tough, thankless job! But who is truly 'deserving' of anything? But if love is good for all of our souls, then giving grace to others includes learning to include our parents on some level as well. I think God is well pleased with us when we find ways to impart grace to our parents despite feelings of hurt or other abusive issues. He is always ready to help us find creative solutions to the problems of our hearts. So consider and pray, and ask God for the solution that is right for both of you!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Helping Children - Hidden Motives?

Dear Grace Tree,
I'm a male teenager in my last year of high school. Recently I have been helping out at an extra-curricular activity involving helping students with English and math for kids from grades 1 - 11. I seem to be really interested in some of the younger boys, around age 12 or 13. However, this interest is not sexual at all, but I just have the need to know more about them and help them. I am struggling with my sexuality, but I'm not sure this is related. What do you think?
Thank you for your time,
Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing in with your concern. I am not sure what this really means for you either. Your inquiry is rather short and really doesn't provide any detailed information. I can tell you that as people mature it isn't unusual for them to develop fondness or "big-brother" type feelings toward younger children of a certain age. Often times this can stem from an individual himself encountering problems at that age, or from not having his needs met at that time in his life, so he feels that he wants to help other kids out to effect change in their lives. The desire to help other children at that age usually manifests itself in a genuine mentoring and care-taking attitude towards those younger children, a desire to help and not harm.

To be fair to you inquiry though, you did state that you were struggling with your own sexuality and questioned if it could be related. I don't have the answer to that, but you do. Somewhere within you lies the answer and I think you owe it to yourself and the children you are helping to make sure that you don't cross any lines into any inappropriate conversation or behaviors with these boys that will harm them and take you down a road you don't want to go for a multitude of reasons, period. There should be no negotiating with yourself on that. While I could offer further suggestions, I think the best thing you can do is to get some wise counsel in the matter and confer with someone who can help you process your thoughts and feelings. This could be with a professional counselor, a clergy member or some other trusted adult. Some deeper digging is needed Anonymous, and I hope that you are able to commit to the process. If I can be of any further help please contact me again.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Counseling Considerations

Ms. Miller,
Mine is not a comment, but rather a question. In your Internet counseling how do you deal with issues of confidentiality, licensure and competence? Do you ever deal with crisis issues?
Christine


Hello Christine,
You asked some very good questions about online counseling and I'll tackle each issue one at a time. First, confidentiality of online clients is maintained just as it would be in a traditional office setting. There, files are kept locked in a filing cabinet and no one has access to them except the treatment team and agency administration for billing purposes. When a client orders e-counseling services at Grace Tree the information included on the Secure Order form is protected by the latest security protocols and cannot be accessed by anyone outside of Grace Tree. The information cannot be intercepted in cyberspace and it isn't stored anywhere out in cyberspace. All safety measures are taken to prevent this and the information comes directly to Grace Tree's server and is stored there. You can tell if a website's order form is secure by checking for the little security logo on the order form's page. This logo tells you that the company processing the order has all safety measures in place. Additionally, our company servers are highly secure, protected by firewalls and encryption codes, and more.

Also, when someone purchases e-mail counseling services they are assigned their own personal secure e-mail account that is accessed right off that company-protected server. They receive their own unique logon ID and password so no one else can access that account. For example, if you set up an e-mail account with Yahoo any mail you get is stored on shared servers and you don't really know who has access to your e-mail or other information. At Grace Tree I am the only individual who has access to clients accounts and information. And, all data is maintained electronically in this fashion and password protected. The security process for this is the highest that is currently available!

You also asked about licensure. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland, USA. Potential clients can always verify my credentials through the official Maryland State licensing board via a link right on my website. Though I am only licensed in Maryland State, I work with clients around the country and even outside the USA. It is always their choice to contract for services with me. There is much movement among social workers and other mental health professionals to relax or collapse state licensing regulations in an effort to provide some type of national licensing for professionals. Licensing procedures and requirements are very similar in all 50 states and many professionals argue that the time for this is long overdue, especially given the nature and fluidity of services that the Internet and related communications offer people. Many other developed countries do not have regional licensing and offer basic national licensing to their professionals. And e-counseling by telephone has been around for years and years, and has been proven to be one of the best modes of personal counsel for many. Interestingly, it was resisted early on until the success of crisis lines and other venues became very apparent in the mental health field.

As far as dealing with competence, I am very honest with potential clients and all my areas of specialty are listed right on my website. Clients usually know well in advance if I can help them or not by browsing the site. Sometimes I do field e-mail inquiries from people who ask if I can help them. If I feel I cannot help a client with their issues I let them know as soon as it becomes apparent and make recommendations for other services that I think would be more helpful to them. I do sometimes handle e-mails that are crisis oriented, but they are very few. I also think the term 'crisis' can be defined differently by people. As a professional, an example of a pressing crisis such as someone who is actively suicidal would not be something that could be handled well through online counseling. That individual would be encouraged to seek local help right away. However, if someone was faced with making a big decision in life and considered it 'a crisis point' in his/her life, I could help with processing those thoughts and feelings aid the decision making process for that person. In sum, I relate personally to each potential client and work with him/her on deciding if online counseling services are something they may benefit from. It's always up to the individual and I encourage all my clients to communicate the helpfulness of services as we go along. I think issues of competence are very relevant, for both online and traditional face-to-face counseling methods.

I hope this has helped answer some of your concerns Christine. I am a very sincere professional and competent in my areas of expertise. And, I am pleased to say that my clients agree as well.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Teen Suicide Attempt & Drinking Problems

I have had some really hard times lately and I have wanted to talk to someone. My name is Justin and I have a problem. So many things have happened to me. The things that have happened make me want to quit every thing. I sit in my room everyday and think how worthless I am. I am only seventeen and I drink constantly to get rid of the worries that I have. I tried to commit suicide and the rope snapped. I think when it snapped it meant that I should be here. I always ask, "Why?" I don't want to go to school. I have missed so many days and I have good grades and stuff. It's just that I hate my life. I have a younger brother and I tend to get pissed that we are treated very differently. I hope for the better and I never get it. I feel like there is no reason for being here. Two weeks ago I got in trouble with the cops because I was drinking and they took me in for questioning because I was drunk and there were robberies that night. They tried charging me with two counts of felony burglary. So far they have not charged me with that yet. The point was I passed out from alcohol poisoning that night and didn't wake up until the time after that happened. Well if you could, please write and help me.
-Justin


Dear Justin,
I am so glad you wrote in. This is one of those cases that sounds like you really need some serious help. Trying to kill yourself by hanging is not some small thing or teen fad. I think it is definitely a desperate cry for love and help, and I am glad the rope broke too! You said a lot of things have happened to you but didn't state any specifics. Regardless, I encourage you to reach out to your parents and let them know the real seriousness of what you're going through. It would be good for you to find a way to communicate your real feelings and harmful thoughts to them so they can get a better picture of things. Sometimes parents don't take things so seriously unless they are confronted with some frank talk and specific examples. I don't know why you feel so worthless about yourself. Maybe it has something to do with how you feel you're being treated differently, or maybe you don’t even know why. But taking the first steps to getting some serious therapeutic help can help you find out why and begin healing.

I also commend you for bringing up your drinking issues. A lot of teens wouldn't admit that and it's a good, honest step. I think you need to get some help for that too, whether it's traditional treatment or through a local support group such as Ala-Teen. A lot of kids your age believe that these things aren't major issues and that you can kick such habits at any time. Some people start drinking at a young age because they're depressed and feel worthless, which sounds a lot like what you're going through. But, after a while they find out that it isn't easy to quit when they want to because they've relied on it for so long. And, if your family has a history of alcoholism or other drug abuse that means you are much higher risk of developing this yourself. The fact that you passed out from alcohol poisoning is very alarming. I think if you confided in your parents about this issue too you might get the help you need.

Overall, I encourage you to be honest with your parents and communicate in such a way that they will take you seriously. This means that you'll have to reach out and trust them Justin, and sometimes teens find this hard to do. You'll need to do this for yourself. If you find it difficult, perhaps you can confide in an aunt, uncle or grandparent, and ask her/him to talk to your folks with you. Having a supportive family member present can make a big difference for a lot of people. I think that you can find it within yourself to reach out Justin, after all you reached out to me! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Coping With Spouse's Eating Disorder

Dear Grace Tree,
My wife has been battling with an eating disorder for about two years and she is getting worse. She has been in an outpatient program and a six-week inpatient eating disorder program. After the programs she appeared to have improved a little but now she has began to do the purging again and she hardly eats. I have tried everything and she refuses to do any more programs. I feel helpless and this is stressing me out because I am watching my wife literally disappear in front of my eyes. What do I do, is there anything I can do as her husband because I think I have had enough and I am on the verge of leaving her.
Thank You,
Chuck


Hello Chuck,
It sounds like your wife is seriously ill, and I truly sympathize with you. Eating disorders are one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. However, it's not impossible though. I think you're feelings of helplessness are certainly understandable and a good descriptor of how you're feeling because you cannot help your wife unless she wants the help. She has to decide that for herself, as you know sine she's been through this cycle before. Unless she is actively suicidal or her health is at a critical point, there is not much you can do for her beyond further encouraging her to seek help if you see her encountering problems as a result of her behaviors and attitude.

Yet, there are things that you can do for yourself which may help her in the long run. You really need to take care of yourself while dealing with this. If she does turn around sometime soon she'll need you to be mentally healthy and responsive. One thing you can do is contact some of the local outpatient programs and ask about support groups for partners of those afflicted with eating disorders and start attending. The mental-emotional support you'd receive there would be a big blessing to you and help you maintain your sanity. It's never good to isolate oneself with the difficult problems that you're facing, even though that's sometimes our human tendency. You may also want to ask them about therapy for yourself at this time to maintain your strength and help you deal with your wife on a daily basis. I would really recommend it.

Short of doing those things and requesting she seek help again, there isn't much you can do for her. And it really sounds like you are frustrated and have exhausted all your efforts. Your care and concern for her is evident too. As far as being in the verge of leaving, no one can make the decision for you to stay in your marriage to your wife. You have to really search your heart and consider things prayerfully. Sometimes if one partner gives the other an ultimatum to get help and threatens to leave the relationship, it can spur movement of the other towards getting some help. But, sometimes it doesn't and there is never a guarantee. I hope your situation takes a turn for the better Chuck, and if I can be of any further service or help please feel free to contact me again.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Lessons From Noah's Ark

Hello Readers,
Here is a cute little tidbit of wisdom that was sent to me recently by a good friend so I thought I'd share it with all. I think it cleverly outlines the very important little things to pay attention to and keep in our hearts during life's journey with all its blessings and trials. It's so easy to get bogged down and lost at times, and sometimes we just need to be reminded where a healthy focus lies. There's an emphasis here on both individuality and comunity which I especially like because we all need each other no matter what we may be dealing with personally. And working together is the best way to enjoy life to the full as God is intended for all of us. Enjoy!


"Evereything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark"

1) Don't miss the boat!
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead- It wasn't raining when Noah built the boat.
4) Stay fit- When you're sixty someone may ask you to do something really big!
5) Don't listen to critics- Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage- The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed just float awhile!
10) Remember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter what the storm, when you're with God there's always a rainbow waiting!

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Tragic Loss of Parents

Ms. Carole,
My parents just died in a terrible way (murder-suicide), and now my brothers and sisters have a hard time talking to me because they say I emulate qualities that my father had, when they had no problem talking to me when they were alive and they themselves have such qualities. What could I say or do to make things better?
Kyle


Dear Kyle,
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. And though your note was brief, it sounds like the rest of your family is going through such a traumatic time. My heart and prayers really go out to you all at this time.

Having great difficulties with such deep emotional pain isn't unusual at all and I suspect that's where your siblings are operating from right now. It's very hard to deal with loss issues, and I think your family's issues are really compounded by the tragic and violent end to your parents' lives. The act committed by one of your parents is the ultimate form of family violence and really defies understanding. This makes it very difficult to deal with all the resulting feelings such as grief, disbelief, anger, pain, guilt, and more.

It's very likely that your siblings' difficulties talking to you are due to their inability to deal with all their feelings right now. It isn't unusual for a family member to remind others of a deceased loved one which make interactions with that person difficult. If you remind them of your father as much as you say, it's likely that you evoke feelings of pain and longing in them, a longing to have your parents back and for things to have turned out differently between your parents.

What can you do? The first thing you can do is for yourself, and recognize that you can't control how anyone else feels or acts. What you do need to realize also is that their feelings are not because of you. It is not your fault and it isn't likely a personal rejection. What you can do is simply address the issue openly and honestly with them, acknowledge their pain and feelings, and share your own. Perhaps if they're aware of the pain and confusion you're feeling they will be more sensitive when relating with you. You could also approach them and see if they are willing to do some family counseling together to process all the feelings and issues involved that are so debilitating and burdening. There certainly is a lot for you all to work on, and addressing things together would help everyone draw closer is support of each other. If they don't express and interest in doing so I think you should definitely get some counseling help for yourself. It would help you deal with your own feelings and heal from your parents death. I also encourage you to contact local area hospitals and find out if they have any grief and loss support groups you could attend. Such groups can be a great source of support and healing in times of crisis.

My heart really goes out to you Kyle, and I hope that you're able to resolve things with your siblings and get the help for yourself that you need. If I can be of any further help please contact me again.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C