Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

Indulging A Mate's Whims

Dear Ms. Miller,
I have been in a relationship for thirteen years. We started a construction company together and lived and worked together for 12 years. Since the beginning of the relationship he has pressured me to wear more makeup, dress sexier, have uncomfortably long nails, and bleach my hair. I am a very conservative person by nature and not at all an exhibitionist. I am a professional with a degree in business. Last year the company filed bankruptcy and I finally decided to leave. I even went so far as to move my things into storage and went to stay with my mother. After 8 months apart, I communicated with my mate and told him I needed to come to the area to meet with the attorneys. I asked if I could stay at the house. He responded that he wanted to get back together. My uncertainty about everything during this time led me to agree to try it. He emailed me a "wish list", hair, nails, makeup, keeping a cigarette in my hand at all times (smoking fetish). I stupidly agreed, packed up and went home. For 6 months I catered to all his fantasies and he was blissfully happy, but always wanting more. He has indicated on several occasions that a person should be willing to change anything about them to please their partner. He even tried to persuade me to try the swinger's lifestyle. I finally broke and said no again, no more. We had a blow out about three weeks ago which culminated in his calling me a whore, amongst other things. Now he is very apologetic and has said he will not pressure me anymore, but I have heard this before. I am very confused because I have not been able to discuss this with anyone. Any feedback is appreciated. By the way, he can be a great guy and was always a good working buddy.

Kathy


Hello Kathy,
It sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to spend more time in a relationship pretending to be someone you are not, instead of being who God intended you to be and really living life to the full. Being in a relationship where you are not loved and valued for who you authentically are inside is emotionally painful itself. Your boyfriends additional quirky demands add even more layers on top of that that would be too lengthy to go into in this forum. You have already spent many good years of your life in this relationship not being happy. If you went back again you would just be adding more years of unhappiness from what I can discern. You may want to work on looking deep inside and answering some key questions about why you are drawn to this type of relationship that prevents you from feeling good about yourself. It sounds like you could benefit from some real soul-searching to help with your decision.

Also, a man can be a good person and a great "working buddy" and have his share of admirable traits. But, if you are unhappy with a mate and not compatible then you simply are not. You have a weighty decision to make. If you stay with this man again, you need to realize that you have to accept him just as he is for who he is, "warts and all" so to speak and with the demands that he makes. He isn't going to just change. The situation is even more complicated by the history you share with him and appeasing his fantasies and fetishes. You have an established a pattern with him and he is used to you becoming who he wants you to be for him, a false and made-up person, and not the Kathy you truly are. He has even tried to take things to the next level and asked you to indulge in infidelity, a very dangerous and risky behavior to say the least of that idea. If you want significant change in the relationship the only way you might break the cycle is by getting help together. But he has to be open and fully committed to that as well. If he has not made any real efforts beyond giving it lip service, chances are he is not serious.

Lastly, having the attitude that a person who loves someone will "do anything" to please their partner is just all wrong. That is a very conniving assertion and boundary less statement to inflict on another individual. It is frequently used by people who want to manipulate and falsely guilt others into getting what they want. That statement has more to do with his selfish desires than love, period. A person who truly loves another will love and accept a woman for the beautiful helpmate God intended her to be and not attempt to change her into some fantasy-fetish image, or a non-person, and use her. I am afraid that it is your boyfriend who is at error here. I wish you all the best Kathy in finding the love you want and deserve. You sound like a lovely woman and I hope I've been helpful. And as the saying goes, there are many fish in the sea so you don't have to settle for someone who fancies themselves as a "shark" if you'd prefer to hang out with dolphins!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Hope For Batterers' Through Online Treatment

Dear Grace,
Can you provide online or phone therapy for domestic violence? I am looking for batterers' specific treatment and am not court ordered.

Thanks,
Michael


Hello Michael,
First off, I commend you for writing in about this issue and being so honest. Even with all the information we have given it as a society over the past several decades, domestic violence remains a common struggle for many individuals and couples. Many people don't seek help due to deep feelings of shame, guilt and fear, though keeping oneself isolated isn't the answer because historically domestic violence escalates over time if untreated.

Online therapy is certainly one mode of treatment that you can choose. Deciding on a counseling venue is a personal decision that only you can make. Traditional batterers' therapy consists of both individual therapy in conjunction with group based accountability therapy. The individual component of the treatment involves being able to focus solely on yourself in one-on-one therapy, as to uncover and deal with why and how your abusive behaviors manifest themselves. This helps to be able to work towards any personal healing that may be needed and on changing those behaviors. The group aspect affords the opportunity to bond and connect with others who are facing similar issues and struggles, and also gives a mechanism for individual accountability within the context of treatment. Without one or the other component, any treatment you decide on would likely have less of an impact.

The real issue at hand Michael is to seek out that therapy you need and to make the commitment to follow through with it. Online counseling can work well for the individual component of the therapy. It can give you the chance to fully explore the deeper issues and struggles going on inside so you can gain personal understanding to make the necessary changes you need to stop those abusive behaviors you struggle with. You could also work on ways you can incorporate some type of group component or other viable alternative into your treatment so you can get the best of what that offers too. For instance, this could be done through a local support group, a pastoral relationship, a men's accountability group, etc. Whatever you decide Michael, I wish you and your family the best, and if you'd like to work together on the issue further just contact me again and we'll tackle it together!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Abuse in a Christian Marriage

Hello Grace Tree,
I've been praying for this answer. Maybe you can help me. About five months ago my husband of five years got drunk. He choked me and hit me. He is a believer as I am. I immediately told my friends who are my support. They prayed with me and continually are doing so. I also told his family. I did so in order to not have to keep this secret to my self. I strongly believe it is better to not cover up abuse. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. God has walked me through those issues and I continue to rely on him for guidance. The dilemma I'm facing is my husband apologized and repented. He even started therapy. He had to discontinue going because we aren't able to afford it. I've tried to be understanding to his situation. He got back from Iraq one year ago. He comes from a family history of domestic violence. My reliance on God is my only answer for my own healing. I feel though that I'm pulling away from my husband, as if I can have no true respect for him. I no longer trust him. He is a humble person, but I feel a wall now between us so thick I have no clue how to tear it down. I wonder if other Christian couples have gone through this. It is something very shameful. I feel stuck. Can you give me some resources that might help me, maybe a book or support for Christian women. I believe God can heal my marriage and that I am not in any harm. I am in need of help though, and I do have a hard time feeling intimate with him now. Is that common? Should I be ashamed for staying with him?

Thank You,
Crystal


Hello Crystal,
My heart goes out to you in this very painful situation and I believe that any feelings you have regarding what happened between you and your husband are valid. Many other couples, both Christian and non-Christian have dealt with this problem too Crystal, and have come through it healed and recovered after both doing the work they need to do to get beyond it. I don't think you need to be ashamed at all for staying with your husband, and your feelings of distrust and fear are all very normal. On the contrary, your choice to stay with him at this point in time reflects your love for him and commitment to your marriage. But, you do need to make sure that you both continue to take the steps necessary to make your marriage a 'safe place' for you to remain.

The feelings you're likely dealing with Crystal are anger, pain, betrayal, fear, trauma, sadness, shame and more. These are very common feelings for abuse victims, and in order to get past them they have to be acknowledged and dealt with. Leaning on God in this situation can bring much comfort and strength, and God can aid and heal your marriage relationship. However, a large part of the healing process that needs to take place comes from the deeper connections that God affords us, connecting with our feelings and conflicts inside ourselves, and connecting with others outside who can help us. One of the primary ways we heal from such situations involves caring and supportive relationships with others. And I think it's very positive that you shared the incident with your friends and families and did not cover things up. That's a great step because covering up such severe problems only serves to keep them in the dark and continues to give them power.

I also think its unfortunate that your husband had to stop counseling. I think it would benefit you both if you could find a way to get back into professional treatment. Without some clear boundaries and continued work on the issue of change, there is a high likelihood that a recurrent abusive episode can occur. Your husband also has the experience of having been in Iraq, and it could be that some of this overseas experience is tied into his old familial domestic violence issues coming up to the surface. If you can't afford individual therapy for your husband, at a minimum I encourage you to seek out support for both of you where you can. Organizations like churches, hospitals, community centers and recovery groups sometimes offer free support groups or individual counseling based on a sliding scale fee. And since you're both believers it might be really helpful to consider joining a local young couple's bible study group where you can both find the support and accountability needed to heal your marriage. Online counseling is also more affordable than traditional therapies and may be an option to consider. The main thing is not to remain closed and isolated about the issue and to seek out all the help you can. God has a way of providing help for us if we actively seek and reach out to others for help on the journey. I pray that God will bless and heal your marriage Crystal, and if I can be of further service please contact me.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Counseling Considerations

Ms. Miller,
Mine is not a comment, but rather a question. In your Internet counseling how do you deal with issues of confidentiality, licensure and competence? Do you ever deal with crisis issues?
Christine


Hello Christine,
You asked some very good questions about online counseling and I'll tackle each issue one at a time. First, confidentiality of online clients is maintained just as it would be in a traditional office setting. There, files are kept locked in a filing cabinet and no one has access to them except the treatment team and agency administration for billing purposes. When a client orders e-counseling services at Grace Tree the information included on the Secure Order form is protected by the latest security protocols and cannot be accessed by anyone outside of Grace Tree. The information cannot be intercepted in cyberspace and it isn't stored anywhere out in cyberspace. All safety measures are taken to prevent this and the information comes directly to Grace Tree's server and is stored there. You can tell if a website's order form is secure by checking for the little security logo on the order form's page. This logo tells you that the company processing the order has all safety measures in place. Additionally, our company servers are highly secure, protected by firewalls and encryption codes, and more.

Also, when someone purchases e-mail counseling services they are assigned their own personal secure e-mail account that is accessed right off that company-protected server. They receive their own unique logon ID and password so no one else can access that account. For example, if you set up an e-mail account with Yahoo any mail you get is stored on shared servers and you don't really know who has access to your e-mail or other information. At Grace Tree I am the only individual who has access to clients accounts and information. And, all data is maintained electronically in this fashion and password protected. The security process for this is the highest that is currently available!

You also asked about licensure. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland, USA. Potential clients can always verify my credentials through the official Maryland State licensing board via a link right on my website. Though I am only licensed in Maryland State, I work with clients around the country and even outside the USA. It is always their choice to contract for services with me. There is much movement among social workers and other mental health professionals to relax or collapse state licensing regulations in an effort to provide some type of national licensing for professionals. Licensing procedures and requirements are very similar in all 50 states and many professionals argue that the time for this is long overdue, especially given the nature and fluidity of services that the Internet and related communications offer people. Many other developed countries do not have regional licensing and offer basic national licensing to their professionals. And e-counseling by telephone has been around for years and years, and has been proven to be one of the best modes of personal counsel for many. Interestingly, it was resisted early on until the success of crisis lines and other venues became very apparent in the mental health field.

As far as dealing with competence, I am very honest with potential clients and all my areas of specialty are listed right on my website. Clients usually know well in advance if I can help them or not by browsing the site. Sometimes I do field e-mail inquiries from people who ask if I can help them. If I feel I cannot help a client with their issues I let them know as soon as it becomes apparent and make recommendations for other services that I think would be more helpful to them. I do sometimes handle e-mails that are crisis oriented, but they are very few. I also think the term 'crisis' can be defined differently by people. As a professional, an example of a pressing crisis such as someone who is actively suicidal would not be something that could be handled well through online counseling. That individual would be encouraged to seek local help right away. However, if someone was faced with making a big decision in life and considered it 'a crisis point' in his/her life, I could help with processing those thoughts and feelings aid the decision making process for that person. In sum, I relate personally to each potential client and work with him/her on deciding if online counseling services are something they may benefit from. It's always up to the individual and I encourage all my clients to communicate the helpfulness of services as we go along. I think issues of competence are very relevant, for both online and traditional face-to-face counseling methods.

I hope this has helped answer some of your concerns Christine. I am a very sincere professional and competent in my areas of expertise. And, I am pleased to say that my clients agree as well.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Lessons From Noah's Ark

Hello Readers,
Here is a cute little tidbit of wisdom that was sent to me recently by a good friend so I thought I'd share it with all. I think it cleverly outlines the very important little things to pay attention to and keep in our hearts during life's journey with all its blessings and trials. It's so easy to get bogged down and lost at times, and sometimes we just need to be reminded where a healthy focus lies. There's an emphasis here on both individuality and comunity which I especially like because we all need each other no matter what we may be dealing with personally. And working together is the best way to enjoy life to the full as God is intended for all of us. Enjoy!


"Evereything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark"

1) Don't miss the boat!
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead- It wasn't raining when Noah built the boat.
4) Stay fit- When you're sixty someone may ask you to do something really big!
5) Don't listen to critics- Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage- The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed just float awhile!
10) Remember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter what the storm, when you're with God there's always a rainbow waiting!

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Tragic Loss of Parents

Ms. Carole,
My parents just died in a terrible way (murder-suicide), and now my brothers and sisters have a hard time talking to me because they say I emulate qualities that my father had, when they had no problem talking to me when they were alive and they themselves have such qualities. What could I say or do to make things better?
Kyle


Dear Kyle,
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. And though your note was brief, it sounds like the rest of your family is going through such a traumatic time. My heart and prayers really go out to you all at this time.

Having great difficulties with such deep emotional pain isn't unusual at all and I suspect that's where your siblings are operating from right now. It's very hard to deal with loss issues, and I think your family's issues are really compounded by the tragic and violent end to your parents' lives. The act committed by one of your parents is the ultimate form of family violence and really defies understanding. This makes it very difficult to deal with all the resulting feelings such as grief, disbelief, anger, pain, guilt, and more.

It's very likely that your siblings' difficulties talking to you are due to their inability to deal with all their feelings right now. It isn't unusual for a family member to remind others of a deceased loved one which make interactions with that person difficult. If you remind them of your father as much as you say, it's likely that you evoke feelings of pain and longing in them, a longing to have your parents back and for things to have turned out differently between your parents.

What can you do? The first thing you can do is for yourself, and recognize that you can't control how anyone else feels or acts. What you do need to realize also is that their feelings are not because of you. It is not your fault and it isn't likely a personal rejection. What you can do is simply address the issue openly and honestly with them, acknowledge their pain and feelings, and share your own. Perhaps if they're aware of the pain and confusion you're feeling they will be more sensitive when relating with you. You could also approach them and see if they are willing to do some family counseling together to process all the feelings and issues involved that are so debilitating and burdening. There certainly is a lot for you all to work on, and addressing things together would help everyone draw closer is support of each other. If they don't express and interest in doing so I think you should definitely get some counseling help for yourself. It would help you deal with your own feelings and heal from your parents death. I also encourage you to contact local area hospitals and find out if they have any grief and loss support groups you could attend. Such groups can be a great source of support and healing in times of crisis.

My heart really goes out to you Kyle, and I hope that you're able to resolve things with your siblings and get the help for yourself that you need. If I can be of any further help please contact me again.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Depression & Past Family Abuse

Dear Ms. Miller,
I was married 18mo ago at the age of seventeen. I had a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood and am aware that I carry many emotional and mental scars today as a result. My mother was an alcoholic, my mother's husband is a drug-addict, my father went to prison and dropped contact with me when I was nine. I witnessed so much evil growing up. During the sober moments, life would actually be okay. My mother would tell me how much she loved me and how wonderful I was. But then the drinking and drugs would start again and all types of abuse would inevitably follow.

Because of my childhood, I am very distrustful and needy. I struggle with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and monstrous pain. Some of the time I can suppress my past and ignore it, but there are other times when it feels like a tidal wave washing over me (I should qualify that I am currently on depression meds, under the care of an M.D. and in no way suicidal).

My biggest need in life is to be loved. I learned at a young age, that if I tried very hard to be pleasing and entertaining, my mother's "love" for me would last for a little bit longer. As a result, I always strive to please, to be everything to everyone. I generally excel in everything I do. When I was in college, I had a 4.0 GPA. I am a hard worker, working as many hours as possible and always doing the job perfectly. I usually get a raise within 3mo of starting a job. As a wife my house is clean, laundry done and errands accomplished. I try to make my husband happy by always doing the activities he wants, etc.

Deep down I know my husband loves me. Yet, without constant reaffirmation of his love, I begin to doubt it and myself. This got worse 3mo ago when I finally broke contact from my mother. Now, he is all I have in the world and the only person who loves me. I am desperate to feel loved by him, but without the constant reaffirmation all of the doubts from the past return. I ask myself, “How I can blame him? If my own family didn't love me, how can I expect anyone else to?” I feel isolated, unloved, and alone. This is when the depression returns and memories from the past assail me.

I know my chain of thoughts and reactions are not logical. I understand that it was my parent's lies and abuse that led me to feel this way and that I should not expect my husband to meet every need in my life. However, I cannot seem to get my conscious mind to explain this to the part of my brain that doesn't think and just reacts.
Please help me-
Cassandra


Dear Cassandra,
When I read your story I was just amazed at how tenacious, courageous and wise you are for your young age after all you've been through. You are also very smart for learning about your family background issues now, and facing your pain and realizing your unhealthy needs so you can address things. You know, so many older adults do not even want to think about a lot of the issues you've raised! You express yourself very well too. Kudos to you for dealing with all these things as a young lady and taking care of yourself despite all of the trauma you suffered.

And, for everything you've been through Cassandra you sound pretty healthy and balanced in many ways. You're able to talk about your abusive past, acknowledge what happened, and even process your neediness, people-pleasing and over-achievement issues. These aren't easy issues for anyone to deal with and I'm very happy that you've taken the steps to do so. It's also a very positive step that you're being medically treated you for your depression and remain under your doctor's care. You should definitely continue to do that and take care of yourself. It also sounds like you may be dealing with some significant anxiety issues and may want to talk to your doctor about that as well. Many physicians can safely treat both depression and anxiety issues concurrently.

Additionally, studies have consistently shown that the best chance for a successful outcome in treating depression and other related issues is a multi-faceted approach using both anti-depressant medication and therapy or counseling. I don't know if you're involved in individual therapy Cassandra, but I really recommend that you find a good therapist to help you through this crucial time in your life. While the medication will work on recovering your chemical imbalance physiologically, individual counseling will help you cope with and further process your past and the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors that are keeping you mentally and emotionally paralyzed. Another very helpful thing you can do for yourself is to join a community support group like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). Both are free community-based, 12-step support groups that deal precisely with the issues you're describing- the neediness, people-pleasing and over achieving. The people in these groups can help you learn a lot of positive ways to begin to deal further with your issues and can help support you by sharing their experience, strength and hope. You'll also make many new friends and find out you're not alone in your struggles. Knowing that others have been where we're at in life can often in itself make our own journey less painful and scary along the way Cassandra. Good blessings to you, and I hope that you'll continue doing such a great job of getting healthier and taking care of yourself!

Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Romans Revised For Recovery!

Here's a special holiday message of hope for all my readers who struggle with addiction, codependency and other issues whether its food, alcohol, sex, pornography, work, drugs, religion, cigarettes, people-pleasing, approval seeking, perfectionism, obesessing, depression, anxiety, victimization, childhood pains, deep grief, an empty heart and more. You know, whatever we're recovering from we all fall short at times in our efforts to maintain sobriety or change our old attitudes and habits, but God will always be there for us no matter what. If we pick ourselves up after each fall and 'keep on keeping on', he is ever faithful! In the book of Romans, Paul understood this so clearly and came to rely solely on God's grace for his sustenance, and two millenium later we too have learned to believe in a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. In this New Year remember to rely on his loving kindness and mercy, for it is sufficient for ALL of us! Have a Happy New Year and spend some time reflecting on God's goodness and unbelievable forgiveness by considering his amazing grace and unconditional love!

Much Love,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C


Struggling to Recover!

"God�s design is good then. The trouble is not with his desire for me, but with me, because I am sold into slavery with my old ways, my old attitudes, beliefs and behaviors as my master. Sometimes I don�t understand myself at all, for I really want to what is right, what is good, new and healthy, but I don�t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I am trying to recover from! I know perfectly well that what I am doing is harmful to myself and others, and my renewed mind shows that I agree that God�s design for my life is so very good. But I can�t help myself, because it is my old ways inside, those old tapes that play and knee-jerk reactions which make me perpetuate these unhealthy ways.

I know I am sick, through and through, so far as my old dysfunctional nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can�t make myself change! I want to change, but I can�t. When I want to step out in faith and do things differently, as God would have me do them, I don�t. And when I try not to do the same old thing, I do it anyway. But, if I am doing what I don�t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it, the old me within is doing it, not the "recovered me."

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is healthy and right, I inevitably do what is not, the same old-same old. I love God�s ways with all my heart. But there is another way at work within me that is at war with my desire to change and to grow into his likeness. These ways usually win the fight, and make me a slave to the old ways still at work within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by my old habits and is dying? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So, you see how it is: In my mind I really want to trust and embrace God�s heart, truly he desires my recovery. I so want to break free! But, because of my damaged nature I am often a slave to those same old ways within."

Romans Revised For Recovery - Romans 7:14-25