Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

An Alcoholic Fiance

Dear Ms. Miller,
My father was an alcoholic and my soon to be husband has a drinking problem. I love him very much but I can't stand to be around him when he drinks so much. I feel like he had no sense of responsibility when he drinks and often he blacks out. Most of the time, while he is drinking, he says and does several things that really hurt me however the next day he doesn't remember. Also, he tends to drive while intoxicated which scares me for obvious reasons. Honestly, I am exhausted dealing with this same situation and nothing changes. We have the same talk and nothing ever changes and I continue to feel disappointed and that maybe it is me? I understand that my father's disease may have an effect on my sensitivity, but it hurts more every time we have an episode. He is also a child of an alcoholic which stills drinks till this day. I feel that maybe he will never change or that maybe I need to change. I feel that I have tried so many different approaches. Thank your for listening to me. Often I feel like I have no one to talk or I am embarrassed to talk.

Bridget


Hi Bridget,
I'm not sure what you're asking here, but I did catch you questioning how you think it may be your fault for your future husband's drinking problem. Well, I am here to tell you that that is absolutely not the case, and I am wondering why you are considering marrying this man. He sounds very classically alcoholic himself though you and he may refer to it as a 'drinking problem.' Having blackouts, not taking responsibility for one's actions, driving while intoxicated and hurting others are key signs that a person is well on the path of alcoholism and needs major intervention.

The reality of the situation with this man is that he is very sick and needs some serious help. He also is not going to get that help as long as he doesn't see the need for it and is in denial about his problem. It can be very frustrating trying to coax someone into getting help if he believes he doesn't need it. You said you love him, but if you follow through and marry him you need to go into this marriage with your eyes wide open and ready to accept him 'as is' including the alcoholism and all the behaviors and hurtful things that go along with that. He's shown you who he is with the alcohol in his life, and it would be very unwise and foolish for you to suddenly expect things to 'magically change' just because you get married and believe he'll have a change of heart.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself and learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism with a focus on codependency issues. If you get to thinking healthier and clearer you will have positive effects on your relationship and will be taking responsibility for your own life. I strongly recommend attending Al-Anon, ACoA and any other support groups you can find in your area. He should be expected to do the same for himself with AA and other groups at a minimum, or to even enter a de-tox program. If he isn't willing to make such necessary changes you both would be wise to seriously reconsider the marriage issue. I hope things work out for you Bridget and that you do the right thing to protect yourself.

Warmly,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Divorce And Dealing With Adult Children

Dear Grace,
I have been divorced for 2yrs and been engaged to someone for 6 months now. My youngest son is 19 and will have NOTHING to do with my fiance. He will not come over or speak to her in anyway. I want to still see him, and I do see him for lunch and a movie occasionally. I feel this is disrespectful to my fiance. She has said or done nothing wrong to him. They have never had a conversation, and he made a comment that he would not come to the wedding. My question- What do I do? Do I stop seeing my son unless he at least comes over to pick me up and at least speaks to her? I feel this is just common courtesy. This may take years though. Do I abandon my son? He is very, very stubborn. He is in college, but with his mom when he comes home for break.

Thank you so very much for your help,
Mike


Dear Mike,
First, of course you do not have to abandon your son, and the situation shouldn't be a matter of you having to choose between him and your fiance. He was your son long before anything had happened between you and your wife that caused the break-up of your family, and he always will be. I hope your fiance is a mature enough person to realize this and to give you and your son the time and space you need to heal and process what's happened in your family. The short and direct answer is that our children are always ours no matter what happens in life. But, unfortunately we all have to live the consequences of our choices whether pleasant or painful at times.

Though you didn't include too much information with your question, it sounds to me like your son may be acting offensively out of unresolved personal feelings and family conflicts. It sounds like he is dealing with some residual pain and anger as a result of you and his mother splitting up. This is fairly common even for adult children as divorce has far reaching consequences for many family members. And, some people deal with it much better then others. The reality is that it likely has been a very hard thing for your son to accept and deal with.

The best thing you can do now is maintain a relationship and contact with your son in a manner that is workable to both of you. If an occasional lunch or movie works and is acceptable to you both, then that's okay. I also think you should be able to share your feelings honestly with him about how hurt you are and try to build on that in a positive way. It may take time for him to come around and warm up to your fiance like you said, but for him to have a genuine change of heart it has to come from him. When he's ready he will come around. It sounds like he needs his space and if you try to force something on him that he can't or won't do right now will likely only backfire for you. Overall, the important thing to keep in mind is that you are still seen as 'the parent' in your relationship with your son and need to act in a way that will model care, concern and respect, while sharing your feelings and thoughts so your relationship will remain genuine with him. Give him some time and space, and whatever you do don't stop loving him and being there for him. I wish you all the best for a peaceful outcome Mike, and for your family to truly heal from the pain of family discord and divorce.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Online Infidelity

Hello Ms. Miller,
I am a stay at home mother of 3 boys ages 8,2, and 6 months. My oldest has Tourette's syndrome and ADHD. He is at the mild end of TS thankfully. I find myself being rather harder on my oldest, not understanding why. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so sad and depressed about my problems with my marriage that I almost take it out on him.

My marriage is not the best right now. I have been married for 4 years to a great man who will give me the world. The problem is him and his actions. He has this fantasy with other women. He "looks" for them online and just chats with them, at times rather sexually. I used to be able to read all the emails and chats he had but now he denies this to me. I know he is cheating on me. This isn't the first time we have had this problem. I found evidence that he did this to his ex-wife too (unfortunately for her, she had no idea). I say cheating b/c as far as I am concerned, it is cheating even if it is just online. I have asked and asked to let me see his "secret" email account but he either ignores me or gets mad at me. We can't even have a real conversation anymore without getting into an argument. I have begged to go to marriage counseling but he uses the excuse that b/c he is in the military, the counselors will have to tell his command. I know this isn't true but he won't meet me half way. I really love him, I believe in our marriage and making it work. I am just so sad and I am finding myself rather more depressed as time goes on. The only thing that motivates me everyday is the fact that I am a mother and my kids need me to function normally for them everyday.

I do not know what to do or where to start. I am not a fan of medicating unless it is the last resort. Please help-
Ashley


Dear Ashley,
First, I commend you for writing in and seeking some advice. You're dealing with a very painful situation, and sadly one that is not unique to you. There are many men and women in your situation who are trying to navigate the waters of online infidelity. I agree with you that infidelity is infidelity, whether it's online or in real life. The feelings, attitudes and even the extent of the involvement can be the same, as well as the consequences for the marriage it affects. And I certainly understand your concern in your husband's sudden lack of allowing you to read his secret e-mail account. In fact, I am surprised that he had allowed you access to them before. He may have only allowed you access to what he wanted you to see. I think that your 'trust radar' is right on target and that you have very reason to be vigilant and deeply concerned.

Since this isn't the first time that you've had to deal with this, what you need to do is make a decision as to what you're going to do about it, if anything. You can't do anything about his behaviors, but you can learn to set boundaries and limits as to what you will and will not accept in your relationship. You're the only one who can act on your behalf there. It appears that his having done this in the past with no real consequences has reinforced the idea that he can continue to do as he wants to without regard to your feelings or how it negatively affects you. The only way he is likely to change is if you change 'the system' that your marriage is operating under, and it's going to take courage and strength on your part to effect some changes into the marital relationship. Even if you do so, there is no guarantee that he'll agree to things. It's going to depend on how much he values your marriage and is willing to change.

Given what you said about confronting the issue before it sounds as if it's not going to be an easy road or a quick-fix. You said that you want to make the marriage work, but you can't do it alone Ashley. It takes two committed people giving 100% to forge a strong, loving marriage. He has to want that as well. I also agree that medicating your depression by itself is not the answer. As long as the root problem of the marital infidelity is not dealt with your depression and sadness is not likely to get any better. Though medication might help you cope with things in the short run, you'd just be medicating a symptom instead of working on the cause. You both need some real professional help in the matter and I really encourage you to keep pushing for marriage counseling to help you two get a handle on the issue and sort things out. It sounds like your husband would also benefit from some individual counseling if he'd agree to that. But again, that is up to him. I wish you two the best for the future and you're in my prayers.

Regards,
Carole L, Miller, LCSW-C

Online Counseling Considerations

Ms. Miller,
Mine is not a comment, but rather a question. In your Internet counseling how do you deal with issues of confidentiality, licensure and competence? Do you ever deal with crisis issues?
Christine


Hello Christine,
You asked some very good questions about online counseling and I'll tackle each issue one at a time. First, confidentiality of online clients is maintained just as it would be in a traditional office setting. There, files are kept locked in a filing cabinet and no one has access to them except the treatment team and agency administration for billing purposes. When a client orders e-counseling services at Grace Tree the information included on the Secure Order form is protected by the latest security protocols and cannot be accessed by anyone outside of Grace Tree. The information cannot be intercepted in cyberspace and it isn't stored anywhere out in cyberspace. All safety measures are taken to prevent this and the information comes directly to Grace Tree's server and is stored there. You can tell if a website's order form is secure by checking for the little security logo on the order form's page. This logo tells you that the company processing the order has all safety measures in place. Additionally, our company servers are highly secure, protected by firewalls and encryption codes, and more.

Also, when someone purchases e-mail counseling services they are assigned their own personal secure e-mail account that is accessed right off that company-protected server. They receive their own unique logon ID and password so no one else can access that account. For example, if you set up an e-mail account with Yahoo any mail you get is stored on shared servers and you don't really know who has access to your e-mail or other information. At Grace Tree I am the only individual who has access to clients accounts and information. And, all data is maintained electronically in this fashion and password protected. The security process for this is the highest that is currently available!

You also asked about licensure. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland, USA. Potential clients can always verify my credentials through the official Maryland State licensing board via a link right on my website. Though I am only licensed in Maryland State, I work with clients around the country and even outside the USA. It is always their choice to contract for services with me. There is much movement among social workers and other mental health professionals to relax or collapse state licensing regulations in an effort to provide some type of national licensing for professionals. Licensing procedures and requirements are very similar in all 50 states and many professionals argue that the time for this is long overdue, especially given the nature and fluidity of services that the Internet and related communications offer people. Many other developed countries do not have regional licensing and offer basic national licensing to their professionals. And e-counseling by telephone has been around for years and years, and has been proven to be one of the best modes of personal counsel for many. Interestingly, it was resisted early on until the success of crisis lines and other venues became very apparent in the mental health field.

As far as dealing with competence, I am very honest with potential clients and all my areas of specialty are listed right on my website. Clients usually know well in advance if I can help them or not by browsing the site. Sometimes I do field e-mail inquiries from people who ask if I can help them. If I feel I cannot help a client with their issues I let them know as soon as it becomes apparent and make recommendations for other services that I think would be more helpful to them. I do sometimes handle e-mails that are crisis oriented, but they are very few. I also think the term 'crisis' can be defined differently by people. As a professional, an example of a pressing crisis such as someone who is actively suicidal would not be something that could be handled well through online counseling. That individual would be encouraged to seek local help right away. However, if someone was faced with making a big decision in life and considered it 'a crisis point' in his/her life, I could help with processing those thoughts and feelings aid the decision making process for that person. In sum, I relate personally to each potential client and work with him/her on deciding if online counseling services are something they may benefit from. It's always up to the individual and I encourage all my clients to communicate the helpfulness of services as we go along. I think issues of competence are very relevant, for both online and traditional face-to-face counseling methods.

I hope this has helped answer some of your concerns Christine. I am a very sincere professional and competent in my areas of expertise. And, I am pleased to say that my clients agree as well.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Teen Suicide Attempt & Drinking Problems

I have had some really hard times lately and I have wanted to talk to someone. My name is Justin and I have a problem. So many things have happened to me. The things that have happened make me want to quit every thing. I sit in my room everyday and think how worthless I am. I am only seventeen and I drink constantly to get rid of the worries that I have. I tried to commit suicide and the rope snapped. I think when it snapped it meant that I should be here. I always ask, "Why?" I don't want to go to school. I have missed so many days and I have good grades and stuff. It's just that I hate my life. I have a younger brother and I tend to get pissed that we are treated very differently. I hope for the better and I never get it. I feel like there is no reason for being here. Two weeks ago I got in trouble with the cops because I was drinking and they took me in for questioning because I was drunk and there were robberies that night. They tried charging me with two counts of felony burglary. So far they have not charged me with that yet. The point was I passed out from alcohol poisoning that night and didn't wake up until the time after that happened. Well if you could, please write and help me.
-Justin


Dear Justin,
I am so glad you wrote in. This is one of those cases that sounds like you really need some serious help. Trying to kill yourself by hanging is not some small thing or teen fad. I think it is definitely a desperate cry for love and help, and I am glad the rope broke too! You said a lot of things have happened to you but didn't state any specifics. Regardless, I encourage you to reach out to your parents and let them know the real seriousness of what you're going through. It would be good for you to find a way to communicate your real feelings and harmful thoughts to them so they can get a better picture of things. Sometimes parents don't take things so seriously unless they are confronted with some frank talk and specific examples. I don't know why you feel so worthless about yourself. Maybe it has something to do with how you feel you're being treated differently, or maybe you don’t even know why. But taking the first steps to getting some serious therapeutic help can help you find out why and begin healing.

I also commend you for bringing up your drinking issues. A lot of teens wouldn't admit that and it's a good, honest step. I think you need to get some help for that too, whether it's traditional treatment or through a local support group such as Ala-Teen. A lot of kids your age believe that these things aren't major issues and that you can kick such habits at any time. Some people start drinking at a young age because they're depressed and feel worthless, which sounds a lot like what you're going through. But, after a while they find out that it isn't easy to quit when they want to because they've relied on it for so long. And, if your family has a history of alcoholism or other drug abuse that means you are much higher risk of developing this yourself. The fact that you passed out from alcohol poisoning is very alarming. I think if you confided in your parents about this issue too you might get the help you need.

Overall, I encourage you to be honest with your parents and communicate in such a way that they will take you seriously. This means that you'll have to reach out and trust them Justin, and sometimes teens find this hard to do. You'll need to do this for yourself. If you find it difficult, perhaps you can confide in an aunt, uncle or grandparent, and ask her/him to talk to your folks with you. Having a supportive family member present can make a big difference for a lot of people. I think that you can find it within yourself to reach out Justin, after all you reached out to me! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Lessons From Noah's Ark

Hello Readers,
Here is a cute little tidbit of wisdom that was sent to me recently by a good friend so I thought I'd share it with all. I think it cleverly outlines the very important little things to pay attention to and keep in our hearts during life's journey with all its blessings and trials. It's so easy to get bogged down and lost at times, and sometimes we just need to be reminded where a healthy focus lies. There's an emphasis here on both individuality and comunity which I especially like because we all need each other no matter what we may be dealing with personally. And working together is the best way to enjoy life to the full as God is intended for all of us. Enjoy!


"Evereything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark"

1) Don't miss the boat!
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead- It wasn't raining when Noah built the boat.
4) Stay fit- When you're sixty someone may ask you to do something really big!
5) Don't listen to critics- Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage- The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed just float awhile!
10) Remember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter what the storm, when you're with God there's always a rainbow waiting!

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Depression & Past Family Abuse

Dear Ms. Miller,
I was married 18mo ago at the age of seventeen. I had a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood and am aware that I carry many emotional and mental scars today as a result. My mother was an alcoholic, my mother's husband is a drug-addict, my father went to prison and dropped contact with me when I was nine. I witnessed so much evil growing up. During the sober moments, life would actually be okay. My mother would tell me how much she loved me and how wonderful I was. But then the drinking and drugs would start again and all types of abuse would inevitably follow.

Because of my childhood, I am very distrustful and needy. I struggle with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and monstrous pain. Some of the time I can suppress my past and ignore it, but there are other times when it feels like a tidal wave washing over me (I should qualify that I am currently on depression meds, under the care of an M.D. and in no way suicidal).

My biggest need in life is to be loved. I learned at a young age, that if I tried very hard to be pleasing and entertaining, my mother's "love" for me would last for a little bit longer. As a result, I always strive to please, to be everything to everyone. I generally excel in everything I do. When I was in college, I had a 4.0 GPA. I am a hard worker, working as many hours as possible and always doing the job perfectly. I usually get a raise within 3mo of starting a job. As a wife my house is clean, laundry done and errands accomplished. I try to make my husband happy by always doing the activities he wants, etc.

Deep down I know my husband loves me. Yet, without constant reaffirmation of his love, I begin to doubt it and myself. This got worse 3mo ago when I finally broke contact from my mother. Now, he is all I have in the world and the only person who loves me. I am desperate to feel loved by him, but without the constant reaffirmation all of the doubts from the past return. I ask myself, “How I can blame him? If my own family didn't love me, how can I expect anyone else to?” I feel isolated, unloved, and alone. This is when the depression returns and memories from the past assail me.

I know my chain of thoughts and reactions are not logical. I understand that it was my parent's lies and abuse that led me to feel this way and that I should not expect my husband to meet every need in my life. However, I cannot seem to get my conscious mind to explain this to the part of my brain that doesn't think and just reacts.
Please help me-
Cassandra


Dear Cassandra,
When I read your story I was just amazed at how tenacious, courageous and wise you are for your young age after all you've been through. You are also very smart for learning about your family background issues now, and facing your pain and realizing your unhealthy needs so you can address things. You know, so many older adults do not even want to think about a lot of the issues you've raised! You express yourself very well too. Kudos to you for dealing with all these things as a young lady and taking care of yourself despite all of the trauma you suffered.

And, for everything you've been through Cassandra you sound pretty healthy and balanced in many ways. You're able to talk about your abusive past, acknowledge what happened, and even process your neediness, people-pleasing and over-achievement issues. These aren't easy issues for anyone to deal with and I'm very happy that you've taken the steps to do so. It's also a very positive step that you're being medically treated you for your depression and remain under your doctor's care. You should definitely continue to do that and take care of yourself. It also sounds like you may be dealing with some significant anxiety issues and may want to talk to your doctor about that as well. Many physicians can safely treat both depression and anxiety issues concurrently.

Additionally, studies have consistently shown that the best chance for a successful outcome in treating depression and other related issues is a multi-faceted approach using both anti-depressant medication and therapy or counseling. I don't know if you're involved in individual therapy Cassandra, but I really recommend that you find a good therapist to help you through this crucial time in your life. While the medication will work on recovering your chemical imbalance physiologically, individual counseling will help you cope with and further process your past and the dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors that are keeping you mentally and emotionally paralyzed. Another very helpful thing you can do for yourself is to join a community support group like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). Both are free community-based, 12-step support groups that deal precisely with the issues you're describing- the neediness, people-pleasing and over achieving. The people in these groups can help you learn a lot of positive ways to begin to deal further with your issues and can help support you by sharing their experience, strength and hope. You'll also make many new friends and find out you're not alone in your struggles. Knowing that others have been where we're at in life can often in itself make our own journey less painful and scary along the way Cassandra. Good blessings to you, and I hope that you'll continue doing such a great job of getting healthier and taking care of yourself!

Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Romans Revised For Recovery!

Here's a special holiday message of hope for all my readers who struggle with addiction, codependency and other issues whether its food, alcohol, sex, pornography, work, drugs, religion, cigarettes, people-pleasing, approval seeking, perfectionism, obesessing, depression, anxiety, victimization, childhood pains, deep grief, an empty heart and more. You know, whatever we're recovering from we all fall short at times in our efforts to maintain sobriety or change our old attitudes and habits, but God will always be there for us no matter what. If we pick ourselves up after each fall and 'keep on keeping on', he is ever faithful! In the book of Romans, Paul understood this so clearly and came to rely solely on God's grace for his sustenance, and two millenium later we too have learned to believe in a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. In this New Year remember to rely on his loving kindness and mercy, for it is sufficient for ALL of us! Have a Happy New Year and spend some time reflecting on God's goodness and unbelievable forgiveness by considering his amazing grace and unconditional love!

Much Love,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C


Struggling to Recover!

"God�s design is good then. The trouble is not with his desire for me, but with me, because I am sold into slavery with my old ways, my old attitudes, beliefs and behaviors as my master. Sometimes I don�t understand myself at all, for I really want to what is right, what is good, new and healthy, but I don�t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I am trying to recover from! I know perfectly well that what I am doing is harmful to myself and others, and my renewed mind shows that I agree that God�s design for my life is so very good. But I can�t help myself, because it is my old ways inside, those old tapes that play and knee-jerk reactions which make me perpetuate these unhealthy ways.

I know I am sick, through and through, so far as my old dysfunctional nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can�t make myself change! I want to change, but I can�t. When I want to step out in faith and do things differently, as God would have me do them, I don�t. And when I try not to do the same old thing, I do it anyway. But, if I am doing what I don�t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it, the old me within is doing it, not the "recovered me."

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is healthy and right, I inevitably do what is not, the same old-same old. I love God�s ways with all my heart. But there is another way at work within me that is at war with my desire to change and to grow into his likeness. These ways usually win the fight, and make me a slave to the old ways still at work within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by my old habits and is dying? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So, you see how it is: In my mind I really want to trust and embrace God�s heart, truly he desires my recovery. I so want to break free! But, because of my damaged nature I am often a slave to those same old ways within."

Romans Revised For Recovery - Romans 7:14-25