Ask The Counselor -

Hi... Welcome to my Interactive! page. This is the spot where I answer reader's questions about life, relationships, online counseling services, mental health topics, treatment issues and more- whatever is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart. This free service is provided as a courtesy to Grace Tree's visitors and is not intended to replace traditional therapy which promotes a much deeper level of personal healing and growth through personalized counseling services. You can always order professional online counseling services at my website if you'd like further personal counsel and encouragement. So, feel free to submit a question for review. You may remain anonymous if you like, and patience is required because there's been quite an overwhelming response here and there are many questions waiting in the wings! If your question is chosen it will be posted here with my response and may be appropriately edited to save space. Just remember, this is a public forum and all questions are subject to screening and approval.

I look forward to reading your questions and helping out as I can. So,CLICK HERE NOW to Ask The Counselor, or click on Comments/Trackbacks below. And, be sure to check back in for weekly updates to start again soon!

Regards!
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C
Grace Tree Counseling Services

Indulging A Mate's Whims

Dear Ms. Miller,
I have been in a relationship for thirteen years. We started a construction company together and lived and worked together for 12 years. Since the beginning of the relationship he has pressured me to wear more makeup, dress sexier, have uncomfortably long nails, and bleach my hair. I am a very conservative person by nature and not at all an exhibitionist. I am a professional with a degree in business. Last year the company filed bankruptcy and I finally decided to leave. I even went so far as to move my things into storage and went to stay with my mother. After 8 months apart, I communicated with my mate and told him I needed to come to the area to meet with the attorneys. I asked if I could stay at the house. He responded that he wanted to get back together. My uncertainty about everything during this time led me to agree to try it. He emailed me a "wish list", hair, nails, makeup, keeping a cigarette in my hand at all times (smoking fetish). I stupidly agreed, packed up and went home. For 6 months I catered to all his fantasies and he was blissfully happy, but always wanting more. He has indicated on several occasions that a person should be willing to change anything about them to please their partner. He even tried to persuade me to try the swinger's lifestyle. I finally broke and said no again, no more. We had a blow out about three weeks ago which culminated in his calling me a whore, amongst other things. Now he is very apologetic and has said he will not pressure me anymore, but I have heard this before. I am very confused because I have not been able to discuss this with anyone. Any feedback is appreciated. By the way, he can be a great guy and was always a good working buddy.

Kathy


Hello Kathy,
It sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to spend more time in a relationship pretending to be someone you are not, instead of being who God intended you to be and really living life to the full. Being in a relationship where you are not loved and valued for who you authentically are inside is emotionally painful itself. Your boyfriends additional quirky demands add even more layers on top of that that would be too lengthy to go into in this forum. You have already spent many good years of your life in this relationship not being happy. If you went back again you would just be adding more years of unhappiness from what I can discern. You may want to work on looking deep inside and answering some key questions about why you are drawn to this type of relationship that prevents you from feeling good about yourself. It sounds like you could benefit from some real soul-searching to help with your decision.

Also, a man can be a good person and a great "working buddy" and have his share of admirable traits. But, if you are unhappy with a mate and not compatible then you simply are not. You have a weighty decision to make. If you stay with this man again, you need to realize that you have to accept him just as he is for who he is, "warts and all" so to speak and with the demands that he makes. He isn't going to just change. The situation is even more complicated by the history you share with him and appeasing his fantasies and fetishes. You have an established a pattern with him and he is used to you becoming who he wants you to be for him, a false and made-up person, and not the Kathy you truly are. He has even tried to take things to the next level and asked you to indulge in infidelity, a very dangerous and risky behavior to say the least of that idea. If you want significant change in the relationship the only way you might break the cycle is by getting help together. But he has to be open and fully committed to that as well. If he has not made any real efforts beyond giving it lip service, chances are he is not serious.

Lastly, having the attitude that a person who loves someone will "do anything" to please their partner is just all wrong. That is a very conniving assertion and boundary less statement to inflict on another individual. It is frequently used by people who want to manipulate and falsely guilt others into getting what they want. That statement has more to do with his selfish desires than love, period. A person who truly loves another will love and accept a woman for the beautiful helpmate God intended her to be and not attempt to change her into some fantasy-fetish image, or a non-person, and use her. I am afraid that it is your boyfriend who is at error here. I wish you all the best Kathy in finding the love you want and deserve. You sound like a lovely woman and I hope I've been helpful. And as the saying goes, there are many fish in the sea so you don't have to settle for someone who fancies themselves as a "shark" if you'd prefer to hang out with dolphins!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Infidelity and Separtion

Hello Ms. Miller,
My name is Jamal and I have some serious questions and need help. I am a 26 year-old Correctional Counselor and have been married a year and a half. A few months ago my wife and I ran into some major problems. She was feeling personally frustrated with me and got involved with another man, although nothing physical happened and he lives out of state. She developed feelings for him and with the help of a counseling friend we were able to work through these issues, or so I thought. The issues that led to her frustrations with me subsided, and she felt close to me again. A few weeks ago she began to feel compelled to talk to this man again. Even though she hasn't, she's felt an overwhelming urge and desire to see this man and "misses" him as she says. When she revealed this to me we stayed up all night praying and seemingly worked things out. She then tells me that she feels like she's missing life, doesn't know if she wants to be married, that I'm a great guy and Man-of God but she doesn't know if I'm her "great guy." She now doubts her faith. She wants to move out for a while just to see for herself where she wants to be in life and what she wants to do. She doesn't feel she's had the opportunity in life to make her own choices and feels that through out her whole life people have been "telling her" what she needs to do. Please, if you can help it would be greatly appreciated. I'm highly thinking about using your online services too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Truly,
Jamal

Hello Jamal,
It sounds like you are in a real jam and one of not your choosing either. My heart goes out to you Jamal, though I do think you can take some proactive steps to help protect yourself in the situation despite what your wife ultimately may end up deciding to do. First, I definitely encourage you both to seek out some wise counsel other than this trusted 'counseling friend.' Although friends can be helpful, the seriousness of where things are at for you and your wife warrants more immediate professional intervention. And as you stated, you thought some things were worked out and it didn’t turn out to be that way. Find out if your wife will go to some serious pastoral or marital counseling together with you.

If she won't, you really need to get into some type of counseling for yourself anyway to help you sort things out and decide what you'd like to do for you in the coming weeks and months. These types of infidelity-like situations can leave a person feeling very confused, vulnerable and hurting, and can also lend to feelings of 'paralysis', where the dutiful spouse experiences extreme feelings of loss of control, depression and failure. Since you're in the midst of the whirlwind right now, the counseling process will help you decide what to do for yourself as things progress along and conflicting situations arise. You can’t control your wife and it sounds like she is being pretty selfish and immature in the situation and not taking her vows to you seriously. If she chooses to leave the Faith and the marriage, as hard as it is to face Jamal, you may end up being better off without her and God will have his hand over you. It also sounds like she is dealing with some deeper personal issues and could benefit from some individual counsel on her own, though dealing with her own issues has to be a choice she makes.

What you can also do to be proactive and more in control is set some types of boundaries around your heart and in the situation. If she is serious about striking out on her own and finding out what she 'wants to do' in life, you can make certain requests and stipulations as to how things are to occur, what you will and will not do or agree to, behaviors you won't tolerate, etc. If your wife is unable to comply and work things out on a mature manner you will be protecting yourself from further emotional and spiritual damage. I hope I have been a little helpful Jamal, and again I highly encourage you to seek the help you need today.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

An Alcoholic Fiance

Dear Ms. Miller,
My father was an alcoholic and my soon to be husband has a drinking problem. I love him very much but I can't stand to be around him when he drinks so much. I feel like he had no sense of responsibility when he drinks and often he blacks out. Most of the time, while he is drinking, he says and does several things that really hurt me however the next day he doesn't remember. Also, he tends to drive while intoxicated which scares me for obvious reasons. Honestly, I am exhausted dealing with this same situation and nothing changes. We have the same talk and nothing ever changes and I continue to feel disappointed and that maybe it is me? I understand that my father's disease may have an effect on my sensitivity, but it hurts more every time we have an episode. He is also a child of an alcoholic which stills drinks till this day. I feel that maybe he will never change or that maybe I need to change. I feel that I have tried so many different approaches. Thank your for listening to me. Often I feel like I have no one to talk or I am embarrassed to talk.

Bridget


Hi Bridget,
I'm not sure what you're asking here, but I did catch you questioning how you think it may be your fault for your future husband's drinking problem. Well, I am here to tell you that that is absolutely not the case, and I am wondering why you are considering marrying this man. He sounds very classically alcoholic himself though you and he may refer to it as a 'drinking problem.' Having blackouts, not taking responsibility for one's actions, driving while intoxicated and hurting others are key signs that a person is well on the path of alcoholism and needs major intervention.

The reality of the situation with this man is that he is very sick and needs some serious help. He also is not going to get that help as long as he doesn't see the need for it and is in denial about his problem. It can be very frustrating trying to coax someone into getting help if he believes he doesn't need it. You said you love him, but if you follow through and marry him you need to go into this marriage with your eyes wide open and ready to accept him 'as is' including the alcoholism and all the behaviors and hurtful things that go along with that. He's shown you who he is with the alcohol in his life, and it would be very unwise and foolish for you to suddenly expect things to 'magically change' just because you get married and believe he'll have a change of heart.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself and learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism with a focus on codependency issues. If you get to thinking healthier and clearer you will have positive effects on your relationship and will be taking responsibility for your own life. I strongly recommend attending Al-Anon, ACoA and any other support groups you can find in your area. He should be expected to do the same for himself with AA and other groups at a minimum, or to even enter a de-tox program. If he isn't willing to make such necessary changes you both would be wise to seriously reconsider the marriage issue. I hope things work out for you Bridget and that you do the right thing to protect yourself.

Warmly,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Divorce And Dealing With Adult Children

Dear Grace,
I have been divorced for 2yrs and been engaged to someone for 6 months now. My youngest son is 19 and will have NOTHING to do with my fiance. He will not come over or speak to her in anyway. I want to still see him, and I do see him for lunch and a movie occasionally. I feel this is disrespectful to my fiance. She has said or done nothing wrong to him. They have never had a conversation, and he made a comment that he would not come to the wedding. My question- What do I do? Do I stop seeing my son unless he at least comes over to pick me up and at least speaks to her? I feel this is just common courtesy. This may take years though. Do I abandon my son? He is very, very stubborn. He is in college, but with his mom when he comes home for break.

Thank you so very much for your help,
Mike


Dear Mike,
First, of course you do not have to abandon your son, and the situation shouldn't be a matter of you having to choose between him and your fiance. He was your son long before anything had happened between you and your wife that caused the break-up of your family, and he always will be. I hope your fiance is a mature enough person to realize this and to give you and your son the time and space you need to heal and process what's happened in your family. The short and direct answer is that our children are always ours no matter what happens in life. But, unfortunately we all have to live the consequences of our choices whether pleasant or painful at times.

Though you didn't include too much information with your question, it sounds to me like your son may be acting offensively out of unresolved personal feelings and family conflicts. It sounds like he is dealing with some residual pain and anger as a result of you and his mother splitting up. This is fairly common even for adult children as divorce has far reaching consequences for many family members. And, some people deal with it much better then others. The reality is that it likely has been a very hard thing for your son to accept and deal with.

The best thing you can do now is maintain a relationship and contact with your son in a manner that is workable to both of you. If an occasional lunch or movie works and is acceptable to you both, then that's okay. I also think you should be able to share your feelings honestly with him about how hurt you are and try to build on that in a positive way. It may take time for him to come around and warm up to your fiance like you said, but for him to have a genuine change of heart it has to come from him. When he's ready he will come around. It sounds like he needs his space and if you try to force something on him that he can't or won't do right now will likely only backfire for you. Overall, the important thing to keep in mind is that you are still seen as 'the parent' in your relationship with your son and need to act in a way that will model care, concern and respect, while sharing your feelings and thoughts so your relationship will remain genuine with him. Give him some time and space, and whatever you do don't stop loving him and being there for him. I wish you all the best for a peaceful outcome Mike, and for your family to truly heal from the pain of family discord and divorce.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Hope For Batterers' Through Online Treatment

Dear Grace,
Can you provide online or phone therapy for domestic violence? I am looking for batterers' specific treatment and am not court ordered.

Thanks,
Michael


Hello Michael,
First off, I commend you for writing in about this issue and being so honest. Even with all the information we have given it as a society over the past several decades, domestic violence remains a common struggle for many individuals and couples. Many people don't seek help due to deep feelings of shame, guilt and fear, though keeping oneself isolated isn't the answer because historically domestic violence escalates over time if untreated.

Online therapy is certainly one mode of treatment that you can choose. Deciding on a counseling venue is a personal decision that only you can make. Traditional batterers' therapy consists of both individual therapy in conjunction with group based accountability therapy. The individual component of the treatment involves being able to focus solely on yourself in one-on-one therapy, as to uncover and deal with why and how your abusive behaviors manifest themselves. This helps to be able to work towards any personal healing that may be needed and on changing those behaviors. The group aspect affords the opportunity to bond and connect with others who are facing similar issues and struggles, and also gives a mechanism for individual accountability within the context of treatment. Without one or the other component, any treatment you decide on would likely have less of an impact.

The real issue at hand Michael is to seek out that therapy you need and to make the commitment to follow through with it. Online counseling can work well for the individual component of the therapy. It can give you the chance to fully explore the deeper issues and struggles going on inside so you can gain personal understanding to make the necessary changes you need to stop those abusive behaviors you struggle with. You could also work on ways you can incorporate some type of group component or other viable alternative into your treatment so you can get the best of what that offers too. For instance, this could be done through a local support group, a pastoral relationship, a men's accountability group, etc. Whatever you decide Michael, I wish you and your family the best, and if you'd like to work together on the issue further just contact me again and we'll tackle it together!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Abuse in a Christian Marriage

Hello Grace Tree,
I've been praying for this answer. Maybe you can help me. About five months ago my husband of five years got drunk. He choked me and hit me. He is a believer as I am. I immediately told my friends who are my support. They prayed with me and continually are doing so. I also told his family. I did so in order to not have to keep this secret to my self. I strongly believe it is better to not cover up abuse. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. God has walked me through those issues and I continue to rely on him for guidance. The dilemma I'm facing is my husband apologized and repented. He even started therapy. He had to discontinue going because we aren't able to afford it. I've tried to be understanding to his situation. He got back from Iraq one year ago. He comes from a family history of domestic violence. My reliance on God is my only answer for my own healing. I feel though that I'm pulling away from my husband, as if I can have no true respect for him. I no longer trust him. He is a humble person, but I feel a wall now between us so thick I have no clue how to tear it down. I wonder if other Christian couples have gone through this. It is something very shameful. I feel stuck. Can you give me some resources that might help me, maybe a book or support for Christian women. I believe God can heal my marriage and that I am not in any harm. I am in need of help though, and I do have a hard time feeling intimate with him now. Is that common? Should I be ashamed for staying with him?

Thank You,
Crystal


Hello Crystal,
My heart goes out to you in this very painful situation and I believe that any feelings you have regarding what happened between you and your husband are valid. Many other couples, both Christian and non-Christian have dealt with this problem too Crystal, and have come through it healed and recovered after both doing the work they need to do to get beyond it. I don't think you need to be ashamed at all for staying with your husband, and your feelings of distrust and fear are all very normal. On the contrary, your choice to stay with him at this point in time reflects your love for him and commitment to your marriage. But, you do need to make sure that you both continue to take the steps necessary to make your marriage a 'safe place' for you to remain.

The feelings you're likely dealing with Crystal are anger, pain, betrayal, fear, trauma, sadness, shame and more. These are very common feelings for abuse victims, and in order to get past them they have to be acknowledged and dealt with. Leaning on God in this situation can bring much comfort and strength, and God can aid and heal your marriage relationship. However, a large part of the healing process that needs to take place comes from the deeper connections that God affords us, connecting with our feelings and conflicts inside ourselves, and connecting with others outside who can help us. One of the primary ways we heal from such situations involves caring and supportive relationships with others. And I think it's very positive that you shared the incident with your friends and families and did not cover things up. That's a great step because covering up such severe problems only serves to keep them in the dark and continues to give them power.

I also think its unfortunate that your husband had to stop counseling. I think it would benefit you both if you could find a way to get back into professional treatment. Without some clear boundaries and continued work on the issue of change, there is a high likelihood that a recurrent abusive episode can occur. Your husband also has the experience of having been in Iraq, and it could be that some of this overseas experience is tied into his old familial domestic violence issues coming up to the surface. If you can't afford individual therapy for your husband, at a minimum I encourage you to seek out support for both of you where you can. Organizations like churches, hospitals, community centers and recovery groups sometimes offer free support groups or individual counseling based on a sliding scale fee. And since you're both believers it might be really helpful to consider joining a local young couple's bible study group where you can both find the support and accountability needed to heal your marriage. Online counseling is also more affordable than traditional therapies and may be an option to consider. The main thing is not to remain closed and isolated about the issue and to seek out all the help you can. God has a way of providing help for us if we actively seek and reach out to others for help on the journey. I pray that God will bless and heal your marriage Crystal, and if I can be of further service please contact me.

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Healing From Past Abuse

I was just wondering roughly how long it take to heal from emotional and verbal abuse if you are in counseling?
Dee


Hello Dee,
Thanks for writing in and asking such an important question. I'm sure it's of interest to many readers. Healing from the pain of any type of abuse is usually a very individual journey and the process is unique to each person. Such healing often takes place over a considerable amount of time, even years, and the level of progress really depends on the person, level of abuse and the circumstances involved.

No one can accurately predict when anyone will 'heal' from past abuse, and many people find that healing and making peace with the past occurs at various times throughout a person's life span. Some people make many gains after a few years of therapy and are able to 'let go' and move on without any further effects. Others report the same gains, but also add that the pain of the past sometimes comes up once in awhile and they need to revisit the grieving-healing process at times. However, this is when they put into practice what they've learned before while in therapy as to help them along. The counseling process can be very beneficial in learning new skills in how to cope and continue to heal when 'stuff' comes up after moving on from therapy. One thing I've learned over the years in my professional practice counseling others is that the healing & grieving process can often be a life long process, which does wane though as time goes on. And, if a person can recognize and accept the healing process as a life journey there is much more serenity and peace found along the way.

Thanks again for your inquiry Dee, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

Finding A Marriage Counselor

Dear Ms. Miller,
I need your help. I have been in an 8 year marriage. We have a 3 year-old and a 2 year-old, and I am a stay at home mom. My husband is a firefighter. I guess I am just completely lost right now. I have been looking to go to counselors, but cannot find one that will meet our needs. We are on the verge of a separation, just teetering from day to day. My husband does not want to go and has never said anything about his feelings to me let alone to a therapist. So I told him this was either going to make it or not, but that he had to go. Do you have any suggestions as to how to find someone in our area or what to look for? Could a possible phone consult with someone from your staff be made, and if so is a phone consult something an insurance usually pays?
Desperate,
Lisa


Hello Lisa,
My heart goes out to you. And, you probably know by now that if your husband does not want to go to counseling you can't force him. He has to come to his own decisions about that. What you can do is nudge him along and let him know that it's a very serious issue to you and it sounds like you have. I hope that your stance proves to be fruitful for the good of your family!

You said you can't find a counselor that meets your needs, but didn't say what those needs were. Maybe a closer inspection of what you’re looking for would be helpful. It may help you to make a list of the things you need or would like to have in a marriage counselor, and then to prioritize and 'rate' those things as well from the most important attributes to the least. Some key things to look for are professional credentials, location and availability, sincerity, experience, approachability, balance in connecting to both parties and relating to the tough issues that couples face today. And you may need to be prepared to be flexible on some issues. For instance, let's say you find a very good therapist but that individual is a bit further of a drive for you then originally planned. Would that be worth it to you to work with someone that you both approved of? Would it make the counseling process easier and more acceptable to your husband? It's important to have considerations in finding a good therapist, but it's equally important to be flexible with less important details sometimes to help facilitate the process and get things started.

As for finding a good therapist, I think one of the best ways to do so is through personal recommendations of others whether that be through friends, family, your church, your pastor, etc. A lot of couples seek counseling and you might be surprised at the resources others can offer. You could also check with your insurance company and see which providers are covered under your insurance policy. Another good resource is 1-800-NEW-LIFE, which offers a nationwide Christian treatment referral service and has listings of good, qualified counselors in most areas. A phone consult in relation to processing your marital issues is certainly something that Grace Tree can provide, and some couples preliminarily use e-counseling by phone, chat or e-mail as a pre-counseling step to getting into traditional face-to-face therapy. Some individuals are intimidated or afraid of the idea of going for counseling and e-counseling offers a positive solution to bridge that gap. As for insurance coverage information, you would have to check with your insurance carrier as all insurance companies handle that differently. I wish you all the best Lisa and you're in my prayers. Please contact me again if I can be of any further service.

Warm Regards,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C

How Do I Honor My Mother?

Dear Grace,
Can I ask what it means to honour your mother? I have a mom who is very critically abusive to me and one Christian brother told me that I have to put up with her put-downs because God commanded me to honor her. At what point does it stop? She is beginning to affect my marriage and my emotional well-being. Thank you for any comments or insights you may have!
Denise


Hello Denise,
I am glad you wrote in on this topic, because as Christians honoring our parents is an important aspect of our walk with God. The little child inside all of us wants to love our parents, and even longs to give them respect which they sometimes don't deserve from our perspective. For many people from hurtful family backgrounds, honoring a parent may mean having to do so despite how they are treated in return. Or, it may include the need to not overly focus on aspects of what has happened in one's childhood that has caused emotional, mental and even physical scarring that a parent may be responsible for.

Despite family dysfunction it is good for us to honor our parents for as the Lord says, "Honor thy father and thy mother so that your days may be long in the land that I have given you." This is the first of the Ten Commandments given that contains a promise directly from God for the choice of our actions and responses in that regard. I believe God also knows how deeply hard it is for some of us to carry this out so He often provides comfort, strength and community to help us do so. And, while it's true that God desires for us to honor our parents he does not state or demand that we need to endure further abuse at their hands in doing so. For many adult-children life was painful as a child, and even severe maltreatment and pain were things that had to be accepted and endured to survive. As an adult though, one can safely choose to shield and protect the self from further harm and still honor his/her parents.

Different people choose to honor difficult and abusive parents in different ways. It may be helpful for you to learn to have a suitable relationship with your mother based on healthy, loving boundaries. Learning about healthy, appropriate personal boundaries in family relationships provides a way for everyone in the family to be honored and respected, not just your mother. A good read on this topic is Townsend and Cloud's book "Boundaries." It addresses the many ways that a person can establish safe relational boundaries while honoring their parents and themselves. To some people honoring their mother may mean a need to acknowledge her positive gifts of motherhood in ways that don't allow for further abuse. This may be regular phone conversations or visits with stated limitations where expectations are clear to both parties. For others in extreme cases who opt for no contact it may mean volunteering at a women's shelter, making a donation to a charity involving young unwed mother's, or some other type of ministry activity that includes honoring the spirit of their mother and motherhood in general. In sum, there are different ways that you can honor your mother without subjecting yourself to further abuse and you don't need to feel guilty about it. God commands "honor your mother and father", because most parents do love their children at some level despite their dysfunctions and parenthood is often a tough, thankless job! But who is truly 'deserving' of anything? But if love is good for all of our souls, then giving grace to others includes learning to include our parents on some level as well. I think God is well pleased with us when we find ways to impart grace to our parents despite feelings of hurt or other abusive issues. He is always ready to help us find creative solutions to the problems of our hearts. So consider and pray, and ask God for the solution that is right for both of you!

Sincerely,
Carole L. Miller, LCSW-C